A retelling of the Boston Tea Party―an event in the United States that happened on this day: December 16, 1773―using Middle-Earth Elves. This is intended for entertainment purposes. For accurate information regarding this event and the ensuing war, here are some sources [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], and the wikipedia entry.
For anyone who’s unversed in the ways and wiles of the internet, the reason wikipedia is not a reliable source of information is because anyone can go in and edit it. However, what wikipedia’s good for is providing broad overviews of a topic, as well as all the subtopics pertaining to it. And it has sources you can dig into at the bottom of its better-put-together pages.
Narrator: Imagine, if you can, that Oropher is the king of Valinor, and Thranduil is ruling Rivendell.
Gil-Galad, horrified: Thranduil founded a Homely House?
Narrator: Yes, I know, that prospect is already horrific enough on its own, but bear with me…
Thranduil: Hey, Dad, will you send me some tea?
Oropher: Of course, I will! You’re my son, and I love you! Just pay my sailors when they get there.
{Let there be tea!}
Thranduil: Dad, why’s the tea so expensive?
Oropher cannot believe this is something he needs to explain: Son, we’re sailing it across the ocean, of course it’s expensive!
Thranduil: Well, I’m not paying it! I’m dumping it into the harbor!
Oropher: You’re doing what!?
Thranduil, makes the L sign on his forehead: You heard me, old man!
Oropher: Glorfindel, go get my kid under control!
Glorfindel: Absolutely!
Narrator: This, in addition to several other grievances Thranduil had with his father, spawned the Rivendell Revolutionary War.
Gil-Galad: It’s your kid, Oropher, why don’t you get him under control?
Oropher: Well, apparently, in this scenario, I have fourteen other children.
Gil-Galad: What!?
Oropher: Yep! Only thirteen reached adulthood. One of them died less than two years old! I’m spending whatever time I have with the rest of them! That’s more important to me! Besides, Glorfindel slew a balrog, he’s got this.
Fair warning: (cartoony) blood.
Narrator: Lord Glorfindel lost.
Glorfindel: How the hell did I lose to Thranduil!?
Oropher: Yeah, really, how did you lose to Thranduil of all people?
Thranduil: I’m glad you asked, Daddy! Hit it, Captain Tauriel!
Captain Tauriel: First of all, you kept trying to isolate us even though we’re more independent than you. Secondly, we formed an alliance with the Men. Thirdly, any time you needed reinforcements or supplies, you had to wait for them to come from Valinor. Fourthly, we bullied anyone who wasn’t loyal to us. Fifthly, your own people and councilors couldn’t decide if using force against us was justified. You need to stand united or else you’ll fall divided. You didn’t unite against us, but we most certainly united to… keep paying exorbitant prices for tea?
Thranduil: It’s Secondborn history, my dear Captain, of course it’s mired in greed.
Thranduil, to Oropher: The tree that doesn’t bend, breaks ― Sun Tzu! However, water is more flexible than trees! That means my name’s more powerful than yours, Dad! I’m more adaptable than you!
Oropher, humoring him: Well done, son. I concede defeat. Now give me my balrog-slayer back.
Thranduil: Nope! We’re beheading him!
Oropher: What!?
Patreon exclusive: Coursing River Settles Down.
Kenken: So, Tadashi, what exactly do you mean by “you prefer hosting tea parties“?
Tadashi, smiling, having waited very patiently for someone to finally ask this question: …Toshiro and I may be Japanese, but we’re Americans too whether our parents and racists like it or not!
Toshiro: America becoming independent was literally kicked off by a food fight! Tadashi and I are just following in our nation’s illustrious history! We’re the most American Americans you’ve ever seen!
“HFE, thank you for creating and sharing so much art and writing for free. How can we help turn your passion and skills into a full-time gig?”
I’m glad you asked!
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