Family Feud: House of Fëanor Edition

Naming your child(ren) is an important part of parenting, no matter matter if you live in a hellscape in which your name cannot easily be changed―and all parents / guardians need to decide on a single name for their child(ren). Or you live in a progressive-in-this-manner culture (because every culture has its problems) that understands that, generally speaking, there’s more than one parental figure involved in that child’s life; therefore, each of those parental figures is allowed to name that child.

While all signs point to Nerdanel being better at coming up with names, we need a definitive, not subjective at all, absolutely no biases here, competition between her and her balls-less bitch of husband: Fëanor, the man who made all of her babies swear an oath to get all three of his balls back. That’s right, everybody, this bratty little boy was blessed with more balls than most perisex men are, and yet he lost every single one of them. Wow!

We need to stop thought-experimenting Fëanor and his kin-slaying brats out of the Doom of Mandos. Even if Eru and the Valar agreed to the horrible decision of letting those assholes go free―even if it is for the noble goal of ensuring no literal children have to fight in the Battle of the Hornburg―any potential reunion sex to be had between Fëanor and Nerdanel would be the most unsatisfying piece of shit in all of Arda―aside from Fëanor’s existence, of course. He’s been in the Halls of Mandos for like forever now. His skills will have decayed!!! Besides, why would Nerdanel want him back? They didn’t exactly part on good terms. Nerdanel doesn’t need the Statute of Finwë and Míriel, she’s got the Oath of Her Ex-Husband!

Onto the name-comparing game!

The rules are thus (gender-neutralizing this in case we do this for other Ardan Elven families):

Without further ado, the names!

FëanorNerdanelSindarin
Nelyafinwë: Finwë the ThirdMaitimo: Well-shaped OneMaedhros
Kanafinwë: Commanding / Strong-voiced FinwëMakalaurë: Forging Gold / Gold-CleaverMaglor
Turcafinwë: Strong Bodied FinwëTyelcormo: Hasty-RiserCelegorm
Morifinwë: Dark FinwëCarnistir: Red-facedCaranthir
Curufinwë: Skillful FinwëAtarinkë: Little FatherCurufin
Pityafinwë: Little FinwëAmbarussa: Top-russetAmrod
Telufinwë: Last Finwë,
Ambarto: Upwards-exalted
Ambarussa: Top-russet,
Umbarto: The Fated
Amras
“All names will soon be restored to their proper owners.”

―C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

And now, for the points! First up, the Kid’s Choice Award!

Nerdanel won this round in a landslide! No surprises there. Would you translate “Little Finwë”, “Last Finwë”, or “Finwë the Third” into Sindarin? That means Míriel came up with a better name for her one child than that child came up with for most of his children later on in life. Wow. Forget about losing his balls, this is what Fëanor should be embarrassed about!

  • Fëanor.
    1. Curufin.
  • Nerdanel.
    1. Maedhros.
    2. Maglor.
    3. Celegorm.
    4. Caranthir.
    5. Amrod.
    6. Amras.

However, to be fair, some of Fëanor’s names are pretty good! How strong in body is Celegorm, for instance 😼? Too bad Ardan Elves aren’t moved by lust or ways of the flesh―otherwise, someone may have had the pleasure of finding out!

Next up, the Co-Op Bonus!

  1. ⅓ Well-Shaped Finwë.
  2. The Cleaver strongly voices his command that Finwë cleave gold.
  3. Strong Body Rises Hastily.
  4. Dark Finwë Faces Red.
  5. Finwë has Little Father Skills.
  6. Little Finwë Tops Russet.
  7. Last Russet-Top Finwë is Fated for Upwards Exaltation.

And finally, Literal Power!

Atarinkë: Little Father. Yes, I know everyone was expecting Gold-Cleaver given how money can literally change my life―including getting me out of my toxic house. But as someone who is dedicated to art and wisdom, I need to choose more wisely than that.

That ends the game as expected: Nerdanel winning with 18 points and Fëanor losing with 8! Seriously, Fëanor, fuck you. You fucked with Lady Galadriel! You don’t fuck with Lady Galadriel!!!


Head on over to patreon to enjoy some sweet DLC discussing mortality and mistakes as well as Chronicles of Narnia and messages for Nerdanal and her child-murdering assholes.

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