Shenanigans in Skyrim (Draft)

Fair warning: there is a mention of rape in Shadow of Chaos’ segment. In the form of “Malog Bal’s a rapist, let’s kill him!” And thus, a rapist was killed. Also just a reminder to myself and the audience that the “I” in a story doesn’t always mean the author.


In Skyrim, anyone declared the Dovahkiin can learn how to slay dragons! Dovahkiin is Dovah for “dragon hunter born” or “dragon hunter child”. Dovah is the language of dragons. Their language is powerful too. You have to read a word and slay a dragon in order to use it. The Men and Mer (Elves) there call it Shouting.

Apologies, Ardan Dwarves, but the Skyrim Dwarves are extinct. The good news is, the Skyrim Dwarves are actually Elves! Their official name is Dwemer (Deep Elves). They’re called Dwarves because they were known for fighting Giants: simpler people whose Mammoths (furry Mûmakil / Oliphaunts) left others alone if others left them alone. Giants are known for batting Dovakiin into the sky. It’s awesome!

Shadow became a Dremora Lord. “It was a plot to root out Malog Bal. That’s guy’s a King of Rape, of course we wanted to get rid of that guy! We’re not just dragon-slayers, we’re god-killers! Rape is a very inappropriate thing to be a god of. After that, we had plenty of magic to learn a trick called Twin Souls, which let us bring Shimmer along. An angel? Twin souls with a Dremora Lord??? We turned that world upside-down! Middle-Earth will be a piece of cake!”

Shimmer is our angel of the battlefield. You know which battlefield Shimmer’s the angel of? Actually talking to people… “You don’t need someone in charge of saying ‘no’, you need someone in charge of saying ‘yes’! You say ‘no’ too much to yourself already! Yes! You will succeed at giving Arda even higher standards of purity and honor than they already have: yours! Someone who is still loving and kind after 24 years of the hell that is your original family, with seemingly no end in sight. It’s easy to be loving and kind if you have a family that loves you. You have every right to be an angry little boy. Your family loved their religion and their traditions more than they loved you. All of the people in your life were a complete disaster! You deserve to be an only child for once. Fëanor doesn’t even love the siblings and living mother he has. He doesn’t deserve you! Besides, as someone who has no blood of his, he’d never consider you family anyway.”

Shiver’s a guide dog from a religiously militant culture. He stayed home with his siblings until they had more appropriate leadership despite it being considered unmanly and dishonorable to not go to war. He’s afraid of heights, so we took him to Skyrim where there is no flying to do at all. In Skyrim, he became a werewolf who refused to shapeshift. Skyrim gave us power to slay dragons! The people were a piece of cake! The Dovakiin was not only a Dunmer (one of the most hated Elves there, “Dark Elves” with 50% damage reduction to fire, very useful for fighting dragons) who specialized in Conjuration magic (one of the most hated magicks there), but was also friends with a Dremora Lord who acted independently (instead of being a slave who came and went when slain) and a werewolf who refused to shapeshift. Not just friends, brothers!

“There’s only one dragon to slay here, and we’ll get more money for it too!? Middle-Earth truly is the best world ever!!!”

We’ll bring in Skyrim combat magic later, once we need it.

Shiver’s a demiman rather than a binary man. He has an alliance with manhood, but he’s not fully under its command. And he will always form an alliance to teach rowdyruff adults to stop bullying powerpuff kids! “Nothing in life is binary, including sex and gender roles. Chill out. Just relax. The best leader doesn’t need magic or strength; they need wisdom to figure out what the people actually need. While we all really love the Woodland Realm, we can’t live there.” Udesii – “Calm down” or “take it easy” (Mando’a proverb).

There’s a thousand reasons to hate Skyrim.

First of all, the gods and most of their treasures are garbage.

Second of all, everybody was fighting over how many gods to worship and who had the right to rule.

And third of all, the High King around there wasn’t taking care of his people. He only cared for the Men (preferably Nords). He also had Dunmer, Khajiit (cat-people), and Argonians (reptilian people who can breathe underwater) who were living in squalor.

He also wanted me to dethrone the guy who practically handed me a home: Balgruuf the Greater. His kids were brats, but he was nice enough.

This is why I do not worship gods or kings, I just take their stuff.

I give it back when it’s dishonorable thievery. Sometimes, I steal things because they were already dishonorably stolen. That’s how I got the Nightingale Armor and The Black Star.

The Black Star is a “corrupted” treasure. We corrupted it for a reason: people’s souls are more useful than animals’ souls―more useful for enchanting items. We corrupted it by bringing it back to an Elven mage instead of bringing it back to Azura, the goddess it belonged to.

You gotta do whatever it takes to survive in Skyrim! One of their gods is a King of Rape, and there’s thousands of dragons flying around everywhere!!! You’re walking along to help your vampire friend whose dad handed her and her mother over to that King of Rape―in order to stop her dad from destroying the sun―and bam! There’s a dragon!

So you’re running from the dragon because you have more important things to do than slay dragons (and you’ve slain hundreds of dragons at this point; dragon-slaying’s boring), but oh no, there’s another dragon and some mountain cats, too!

Oh goddammit, it’s the mailman with another stupid letter―get out of here, you idiot!

What the hell is Black Hand? What do they know about??? Okay, whatever, like we said―we need to stop Lord Harkon from killing the lights, literally!

Where the hell are we now?!

…The Black Hand people are upset we killed the orphanage lady??? She was an asshole! The kids celebrated her death! And one of them gave us a plate for doing it. The plate’s worthless, but we’re keeping it anyway. He’s a child, a child of Skyrim, no less. Nobody understands the value of anything there. We only get 500 gold for killing dragons―and that’s if it’s part of a bounty! Otherwise, all we get is their scales and bones plus whatever random gems they’re carrying.

…The Black Hands aren’t upset we killed the orphanage lady, they’re upset we took one of their marks…

We have more important things to worry about! Making sure the fucking sun stays alive!!! Alright, whatever, we’ll kill another person. All three of the victims they gave us to pick from are garbage!

Okay, moving on!

Oh goddammit, the dragons are back! Shut up!!!

If anyone’s curious, we killed about 68 dragons last time we went to Skyrim. We usually limit our antics to an island called Solsteim, which is where Dunmer live away from the Nords. Nords are the ruling Men of Skyrim, and in Skyrim, Men and Mer do not get along at all.

It might be a hellscape, but it’s a hellscape we can survive! The only politics you need to handle is dragons. And shitty vampire husband-dads! That’s how we got Auriel’s Bow: a bow that can turn night into day and day into night.

Balgruuf stayed neutral, by the way. He and his place were always in the middle of things, both literally and figuratively.

It broke my heart to get rid of Brand-Shei: a nice little shopkeeper. That was not honorable thievery! But that was what we had to do to get into the Thieves’ Guild, which is ultimately how we got the Nightingale Armor.

We’re not using blood to make blood-cursed arrows anymore! Any arrow we fire into the sky with Auriel’s Bow makes it become day or night now, including Dwarven ones.

I philinn ‘wîn gwathrar Anor“. Our arrows blot out the sun! Literally!

Lastly, we’ve determined that no, becoming twin souls with someone does not constitute “choosing humanity” or whatever Eru considers me to be. Besides, I’m never gonna consummate that “marriage” anyway. Everybody’s souls will be just fine! Besides, my soul’s already bound anyway. It’s bound to this goddamn world. And as that’s how Ardan Elven immortality works, I, too, am an Ardan Elf whether anybody likes it or not!

I solved that in five minutes.

“Oops, sorry, everyone! I accidentally made you all mortal!”

Two more wild things about Skyrim before we go. In Skyrim, you don’t have to worry about hunger or sleep―and the kids can’t be killed, even if you really want to kill them. The orphans of Skyrim are great. The kids with parents who care about them are even brattier than the dragons!

“Kid, I gotta keep the sun alive, okay!? Leave me alone for Christ’s sake!”

Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn,

To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph’s shout,

Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!

Hearken now, sons of snow, to an age, long ago,

And the tale, boldly told, of the one!

Who was kin to both wyrm, and the races of man,

With a power to rival the sun!

And the voice, he did wield, on that glorious field,

When great Tamriel shuddered with war!

Mighty Thu’um, like a blade, cut through enemies all,

As the Dragonborn issued his roar!

Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn,

To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph’s shout,

Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!

And the Scrolls have foretold, of black wings in the cold,

That when brothers wage war come unfurled!

Alduin, Bane of Kings, ancient shadow unbound,

With a hunger to swallow the world!

But a day, shall arise, when the dark dragon’s lies,

Will be silenced forever and then!

Fair Skyrim will be free from foul Alduins maw,

Dragonborn be the savior of men!

Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn,

To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph’s shout,

Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!

This is the version you hear when you start an adventure in Skyrim. The following is the version you hear when you reach Sovngarde: the Skyrim afterlife―where you fight Alduin! (And then return to Skyrim proper). Both are composed by Jeremy Soule, and translated into English / Basic / Common.

Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn, To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph’s shout, Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!

Hearken now, sons of snow, to an age, long ago, and the tale, boldly told, of the one!

Who was kin to both wyrm, and the races of man, with a power to rival the sun!

And the Voice, he did wield, on that glorious field, when great Tamriel shuddered with war!

Mighty Thu’um, like a blade, cut through enemies all, as the Dragonborn issued his roar!

And the Scrolls have foretold, of black wings in the cold, that when brothers wage war come unfurled!

Alduin, Bane of Kings, ancient shadow unbound, with a hunger to swallow the world!

But a day, shall arise, when the dark dragon’s lies, will be silenced forever and then!

Fair Skyrim will be free from foul Alduin’s maw, Dragonborn be the savior of men!

Dragonborn, Dragonborn, by his honor is sworn, To keep evil forever at bay!

And the fiercest foes rout when they hear triumph’s shout, Dragonborn, for your blessing we pray!

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