Fate Cards (Dark Myths). If you want to defy fate, you need to be ruled by wisdom and action. And I cannot defy all these fates on my own! I need some backup! Any backup at all!
Character: Resolute (reverse, timorous). We are very resolute in defying fate! All we have to do is be the messenger boy. Don’t shoot the messenger, okay!? * Celebrimbor’s head’s gonna get bashed in by his own hammer (this is the kinder death for him, trust me) in SA 1697 after he’s captured and tortured by the Dark Lord, and then his corpse will be paraded around in battle as an intimidation tactic. * You can’t fight in an open field the same way you fight in a forest! Pick a field to train in!!! * A Balrog will attack Khazad-dûm In TA 1980, killing Durin VI. His son Náin I will die the following year. * Lady Celebrían’s going to be mortally wounded in the Redhorn Pass in TA 2509. We delegate her defense to anyone in Lothlórien. * Thranduil’s wife is going to die in Gundabad. There’s no exact time or date for when this happens, but presumably, it happens sometime after the Battle of Dagorlad. At the very least, it happens after their son Legolas is born. Legolas isn’t going to have any memories of his mother. Has Thranduil even gotten married yet!? We delegate her defense to him. His horsey-friend is also going to die in what’s known as the Battle of the Five Armies. (Thorin Idiotshield and his company will be rolling into town, you can’t miss ’em). As far as I can tell, that’s the only friend you have left! We need to keep your horsey-friend alive!!! * Boromir’s gonna die a bit outside Lothlórien in TA 3019 protecting two Hobbits named Merry and Pippin. The reason they ran off is because Boromir became corrupted by that stupid ring. The reason Hobbits are such good ring bearers is because they don’t give a damn, and they’re completely powerless. Those are their superpowers. Bilbo’s gonna find it first and give it to his nephew Frodo. Someone who grew up in Gondor is going to become the king of Gondor this time around! Leadership is not a divine right, it is something to be earned. (If Aragorn would like to rule something, or at least practice ruling things if we can’t keep Boromir alive, Bard the Dragon-Slayer would absolutely be thrilled to have some backup. He’s got his own people and his children, only two of whom are truly independent enough to keep an eye on themselves, as well as himself―to worry about. He’s going from being a working class man to being a community leader, that’s not an easy transition to make). * Lastly, Haldir of Lothlórien, who is a good Marchwarden, but a terrible host, will die helping defend Helm’s Deep in TA 3019 in the dark, dreadful rain. (Or we can just go by the books, in which nobody from Lothlórien goes out into that battle. His brothers would definitely prefer that version of events, even if they can’t read said books because they don’t understand Common… How many people even learn to read around here??? The remaining members of that stupid fellowship will be just fine, including Legolas and―assuming Thranduil delivers a better message this time around―Captain Tauriel). If nobody else in that stupid kingdom wants her, I do! Always respect the healers!!!
Origins: Isle (reverse, Ship). Imagine if you can, a version of Lady Galadriel who was as sheltered as Maeglin, never really allowed to travel at all, and also put in charge of babysitting Caranthir and Maglor. Without being taught how to ask their neighbors (or which neighbors) for help when Caranthir inevitably got out of control―sometimes for reasons as cosmically insignificant as winning a game “wrong”. Why are you upset!? You won! Be happy for once in your life!!! None of them had a yard to play in until Lady Galadriel was well into adolescence by the way. Their parents chose to get all their parenting skills, financial advice, and scientific knowledge from a 400-year-old book and their religious authorities instead of actually caring about their children or learning anything new. And that’s just the parents and siblings. The cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents were even worse!
Background: Dark Spirit. Fuck Maglor, what do we need him for? He left Elrond and Elros in a cave! He’s lucky Gil-Galad found them instead of Morgoth. He’s terrible at babysitting too! And being strongly voiced! Even just a single swear word is considered too spicy for everybody here. (Scandalous language is the best language to use if you need to get people’s attention.) And minstrelling! My instrument minstrels for me! Work smarter, not harder! We can make everyone in Khazad-dûm immune to fire. This will potentially help them fight off the dragon that’s going to attack Erebor too. All we need is a single Flareon or Vulpix, and we can Skill Swap ’em Flash Fire. Pixxy! Lucky! You’re a single Vulpix and Flareon! Let’s help all the Dwarves be better Balrog-slayers than Lord Glorfindel: the loser who couldn’t even keep Aredhel from running off. We’re starting with the working class folk! Anyone who works a forge is the one who’s going to need to be powered up by fire more. We shall start by giving them a calculator. They’ll be like “What!? This thing can do math for us?!?!” All they have to do is read and push buttons. Treat it like a cat: do not let this thing anywhere near water or fire. If it stops working, let it take a catnap in the sun. The Dwarves need someone who respects their culture, and to learn how to respect the host. The Elves need someone who disrespects their ways, and to learn how to respect the guest. I delegate the non-Common-speaking to Piko. “I spoke 47 different languages even before we got here, of course I know Khuzdul! No language is secret from me! I have special ability called Pick Up. I can Pick Up anything, including languages and enchanted items! I’m only speaking Khuzdul, Exilic Quenya, and Exilic Sindarin!” Languages are really hard to learn unless you grew up with them, and I definitely didn’t grow up around here. I need to Dare to Be Stupid! “There’s an even easier way to turn this world upside-down. In the world he’s originally from, he’s what’s considered working class…”
Important Bond: Shadow Person. He wants Lord Glorfindel to figure out how his brain works by listening to him. No. I’m just going to tell him. His brain does not work like an Ardan Elf’s. First of all, he has to keep specifying Ardan Elf, that’s a pretty big clue already. The reason he’s afraid of the Elves is because he’s worried they’ll try to turn him into something he’s not: socially graceful. It’s hard to come up with flowery language on the fly, especially if you grew up in a world that doesn’t really do that. And why would he want to be sociable after how he grew up? The reason he’s obsessed with Maglor is because normally, he is calm and even-tempered like him. He’s just overworked at the moment, physically and emotionally. Even just with Pokémon alone, he can see, fight, befriend, and communicate with ghosts. Add in the Dovahkiin, and he can turn anyone, living, dead, and undead into fuel. Black soul gems capture people, white soul gems capture animals. That’s what they do in Skyrim, guess what they do here? Pokémon magic is all he needs in Middle-Earth. That’s the magic he understands best. And unlike children from this world, Pokémon can fight, with magic, from birth. His dark type magic’s really useful. It’s powerful against ghost and psychic type monsters. And Baddy Bad sets up defense against physical attacks for five minutes. I’ve been always a shapeshifter anyway. I’ve been a cat, a wolf, a dragon, a demon, dragon-person, a samurai, a dremora lord. He may play for Team Dark, but his favorite theme song is Team Rose’s. And Lord Glorfindel did absolutely nothing in the movie version, he just showed up as a background element at Lady Arwen and her human foster-brother’s wedding. “Oh, look, Lord Elrond’s family is a cult of crazy, incestuous weirdos too… Whatever! We’re done accusing everyone of starting cults of crazy, incestuous weirdos… for now. Let’s get down to business! The business of going on a vacation!” Maybe instead of saying he’s on a vacation, just say this is his next life instead. He’s obsessed with reincarnation anyway, might as well take advantage of that. I dare you to try teaching him how to play chess. He’s a night owl, too. He’s going to wake up randomly in the middle of the night and wander around the house. He needs the boring game possible: “Harnor! Go back to sleep!!!” I’m what he considers his conscious, by the way. I’m his original older brother. There’s two Pokemon in charge of time travel. He needs someone who can keep track of what events have already passed and which events have yet to come. He may be more inclined to trust men, but ultimately, he understands that women and children are the ones who get abused most.
Important Bond: Kouhai (younger student, as opposed to “Sempai” older student). He keeps switching between Kohai and Sempai. He’s bringing both. Chu’s the Kohai, Piko’s the Sempai. We’ve already taught Chu the difference between Elves and Men and Dwarves. Elves have pointy ears, Men and Dwarves have round ears. Now we need to teach Chu the difference between Dwarves and Men. Both of them have round ears. Generally, Dwarves are shorter and stouter than Men, but pretty much anyone from Durin’s line throws that out the window. “Just say Dwarves are the longest-bearded, longest-haired people!” “What about the Wizards?” “We’ll worry about them later―once they’re actually here!” We also need to teach Chu that people aren’t going to be taking turns in combat. (Some spells have effects that last multiple turns. We’ve interpreted a “turn” as lasting one minute. For example, this means that Piko’s Rain Dance will make it rain, literally, for five minutes even without adding in a Damp Rock, which makes the effects of Rain Dance last longer). And that yes, the people here do technically become ghost types, but this world’s ghosts aren’t allowed to wander around freely. And that the wargs will definitely not be joining our rescue team. “There’s an even simpler reason why we can’t ‘play’ with the Dwarves… None of them know how to talk to animals! Except crows.” “Why only crows?” “Exactly, Chu.” Forget about me, I’m giving Cute Charm to Chu. Everybody better think he’s very charming, or I’m sending the best Balrogs I’ve got to trash their place: Pixxy Fire Fist and Lucky!!! (No offense to Shadow, but I can’t just send him anywhere. I need him to stay with me).
Mark of the Past: Stepping into the Darkness (reverse, Following the Light). He knows there’s no real place for him in this world. Traditions never kept him safe, darkness did. By the standards of the religion his original family followed, “falling to the dark side” means being compassionate for all and embracing them exactly as they are. There are limits to this. If you abuse others, you’re through! He should just be honest. It’s easier hanging out in Arda than in Redania (the world he’s trying to build). There’s a lot of hard work that goes into building a world, and this world’s already built. It was built on being perfect, stubbornly traditional, and obsessing over warfare and literal treasure to the point that you forget what you should actually be treasuring: your family. If Bard the Dragon-Slayer wants his family’s honor back, I say the better way to restore it would be by evacuating all non-combatants into the Elvenking’s Halls instead.
Impetus: Rescue Mission. Our pen-ultimate goal is to sail to Valinor in order to hero-worship Nerdanel: a mom who wasn’t respected by her husband even though she was better than him at every turn, especially at coming up with names! Lady Galadriel has plenty of worshipers already. Let’s go worship Nerdanel!!! (We’ll resume hero-worshiping Lady Galadriel as usual, once Lord Elrond finally meets his future wifey, and then finally admits that he’s in love with her, and then finally gets married so that we’re not adopted out of wedlock! If you don’t trust the royal family, trust the healers. Oh look, the healers are a royal family too!) “Harnor, I know your name as my child.” (Mando’a adoption vows). In the meantime, we shall bring him the longest, floweriest books I’ve got! The books I read back in college!!! We’d share them with the Dwarves, but all their homes get trashed by fire. They’re safer in Imladris, where Lord Elrond will definitely let anybody who comes along read them. Sharing is caring, after all. I can’t even concentrate on the books I want to read, never mind those things. They’re a little worse for wear, but they’re still legible. I don’t exactly have a lot of shelving space…
Fate Cards (Standard Set). Alright, stupidly magical child who somehow managed to convince the most ruthlessly unloving man in all of Arda―who hated his own siblings for the heinous crime of only having his father’s blood and not also his mother’s; which is really more his father’s fault than theirs, but never mind―to take you in, how would you have foxed your way out of the Oath of Fëanor? “Well, as a 24-year-old Ardan Elf, I would’ve had to stay home with Mommy anyway even if I wanted to help Daddy get his balls back.” That’s right! You would’ve have had to stay home with her anyway! Hahaha! (I need to remember that everything is pretty binary around here: the women are wiser than the men. This boy’s staying home with Mommy!) ~ Mother’s right here, Mother will protect you. / Darling, here’s what I suggest. / Skip the drama, stay with mama. / Mother knows best! ― composer Alan Menken, lyrics by Glenn Slater. (This is sung by the villain: a woman who kidnapped a magical baby in order to take advantage of the baby’s youth-preserving powers. But these lyrics are nice enough on their own, don’t you think? The rest of them are dedicated to insulting her heavily sheltered child for being heavily sheltered and ill-suited for surviving in the wild. Well, ma’am, that’s how you raised her!) Not every single mom is automatically safe, but Lady Galadriel definitely is. And she will think I am absolutely absurd for even wasting a moment worrying about being “adopted out of wedlock”! Honestly! Ardan Elves may care about their reputations, but not to that degree! Lady Galadriel will be absolutely thrilled to know that in “Reasons Eru Sucks”, we concluded that she is the dad Eru needs to learn how to be a dad from. Her mother named her “Nerwen”. That means “man-maiden”. Does that means she’s a maiden and a man? She’ll also be thrilled to know that across six movies, she did more fighting than her husband and Lord Glorfindel! She didn’t just fight anybody, she fought the Dark Lord himself!
Character: Cleric (healing knights who are chosen by a god). If anybody’s wondering “Isn’t Lord Glorfindel dead?” He’s coming back to life in roughly SA 1600 with Maiar powers.
Origins: Ancestral Land (reverse, Advanced Civilization Land). “The tree that doesn’t bend, breaks” ― Sun Tzu (a Chinese general who wrote The Art of War; sorry, everybody, I do not own that book). “Only when you live desperately can you shine the light of life ” & “The so-called intelligent people are all good at reverse thinking.” ― Oda Nobunaga (a Japanese Diamyo who forwent honor and social conventions to actually succeed at warfare). “Pressure makes gems, ease makes decay” (Mando’a proverb). History’s coming back to haunt all of you! If there’s an oath to keep versus a child’s well-being―or anybody’s well-being―shouldn’t the latter take precedent, Celegorm??? I can’t believe Aredhel wandered off in search of you! Forget about the Doom of Mandos, there’s a better curse to lay on Fëanor and his oath-keeping, kin-slaying, child-abusing brats! In the Pokemon world with people in it, my backpack can carry up to 99 of the same item, weightlessly. And still carry even more junk. And also not have to worry about food or sleep. Maglor throws his away anyway, might as well take advantage of that. If the Star Tree Balls can’t tell the difference between me and all of you, they’re stupid!
Background: Vassal (reverse, lord). It’s okay to just be a vassal. Calm down! You’ve got the politics here down pat! You’ve even got it down to the gods! If anyone would appreciate that, it’d be Lord Elrond: the Elf who deals with Dwarves most regularly. You’re a rowdyruff boy in terms of language, not in terms of character. You didn’t even want to go with the actual cosmic horror card for the Dark Myths set: 1) because it’s ugly, and 2) you consider yourself a cosmic horror already just by being yourself. Look at you, so cosmically horrific! You wanted the Orcs to have an afterlife, and to redeem Morgoth… “If Eru doesn’t want ’em, we’ll take ’em!” You know Pokemon magic isn’t just for babies. It’s the magic you understand best―and the best suited for this world. It doesn’t actually kill anything, therefore any Free Peoples you fight will be just fine. You’re worried about people taking advantage of my dutiful nature and Maiar powers!? Just wait until they learn about you! You didn’t steal Khuzdul, you studied it honestly. There aren’t exactly a lot of secrets where you’re from. Besides, you’re giving them a new language to be secret over: Khuzdul Braille, a language that will help blind people read! You don’t like looking down on people, you prefer looking up to people. And you can’t look up to the Middle-Earth Dwarves, they’re too short! ~ “You need someone older and wiser / Telling you what to do. / I am seventeen going on eighteen, / I’ll take care of you.” Sixteen Going On Seventeen, by Oscar Hammerstein II and Richard Rodgers (it’s considered an ironic song because the allegedly older and wiser one is less mature than the girl he’s singing to, but the lyrics on their own are pretty nice).
Important Bond: Doctor (bonded to a lover). If that’s not bad enough, the Skyrim “Dwarves” were Elves too. The reason they’re called “Dwarves” is because they were fighting giants. Ardan Dwarves aren’t ugly, they just have different aesthetics!!!
Important Bond: Celestial Being (bonded to a monster). Alright, Chu, there’s seven king-dads of the Dwarves. Durin’s the one I know off the top of my head. He’s called Durin the Deathless because his soul leaves his body and comes back to it later once he’s ready to adventure again. “Wow! That’s super cool! That’s kinda what you did in my world too!” That’s right! Durin’s the one we need to impress. And then he can tell the other ones to “Shut up and act impressed!!!” Dwarves are very hard workers. Everybody calls them greedy and stubborn. They’re not stubborn or greedy, they’re Meowths. They like money! And someone needs to handle the financials. That’s what they do best. I want to impress him by learning how to say “Bundushathûr”, and “Felakgundu”, and “kibil”, and “zigil”! “What do those words mean?” They mean “cloudyhead”, “cave-hewer”, “silver”, and “silver”, respectively. “Kibil” refers to the metal, and “zigil” refers to the “color”. Cave-hewing is another thing that the Dwarves do better than Elves!
Mark of the Past: Give Help (reverse, get help). The reason he doesn’t understand friendship is because he interprets acts of service and kindness as something that a truly good person is supposed to do, irregardless of if they’re a loved one or not. He’s used to giving help, he’s not used to receiving help. This is the world he needs the most help in. He needs to learn how to survive in the wild, he needs to learn how to raise his voice instead of letting everyone else dominate the conversation, he needs to learn how to just let the adults handle the warfare (and the talking), and that it’s okay to disrespect the Dwarves. He might care about them, but as he said, they’re too short to look up to! This is why there are barely any Redanian Dwarves. Dragons are better at guarding their dens and treasures anyway. And most importantly, he needs to stop issuing death threats so casually! Forget about his magic! His language is what will get him killed around here! Even the Dwarves, the resident rowdyruff folks around here, will not appreciate that language.
Impetus: Duty. We’re Calemir’ade! We bend, break, steal, and adapt anything it takes―including oaths, gods, and people―we need to keep ourselves safe! And raise children properly!” “ori’vod” means “older sibling / special friend”, “vod’ika” means “little sibling”, “ad” and “ade” mean “child” and “children”, “verd’ika” means “little warrior”. “oya” means anything triumphant such as “let’s hunt”, “cheers”, “stay alive”, and “go you!”. “dar’jetii” means “sith”, literally “no longer jedi”. Don’t call it a birthday party, call it a lifeday party. It’s basically the same thing, but the wording is important to him. Besides, when exactly was he born? He can barely keep track of something that happened a week ago, never mind when holidays are coming up. He’ll hang out at parties, but let him float in and out of the room at will. He gets easily overwhelmed by people and chatter. He needs the darkest, quietest room possible.