A Brief History of the Woodland Realm

Narrator: Welcome, everyone, to a brief history of the Woodland Realm―specifically, the pre-Thranduil era.

{Some Silvan Elves are lying around in the forest, soaking up the sun. They rise when Oropher shows up. Ardan Elves are curious cats. They have heard of his deeds in Doriath, so they know he must not have nefarious intentions. However, Elves who are unseen by Oropher are in the trees and have their claws ready, if needed.}

Oropher: Hey, everybody, I hear you like being rustic! I wanna be rustic too! Would you mind letting me be your king?

Silvan Elves: Absolutely! We’d love a king! Come on in and be our king!

{Fast forward several thousand years later.}

Silvan Elf: Sire, it seems our kin are at war. We specialize in fighting in forests. Shall we practice fighting in a field in case our kin call us for backup?

Oropher: Nope! We’re staying home and playing with our cats!

Silvan Elf: Wonderful!

{The Battle of Dagorlad.}

Gil-Galad: Oropher, stay put!

Oropher: Nope! We’re Woodland Realmers! We need to maintain our less wise and more dangerous reputations! Charge!!!

{The Halls of Mandos.}

Oropher: What happened?

Amdír: We died.

Oropher: Oh… How the hell did you die?

Amdír: I charged with you, stupid!

Oropher: Oh, sure you’re calling me stupid! Who’s the bigger fool around here? The fool or the fool who follows him?

Amdír, ready to pounce: Don’t you blame this on me!

Amroth, crying: Daddy!!!

Amdír: Iôn-nîn, what happened to you?

Amroth, still crying: I waited a super long time for my girlfriend, and she never came! And when we finally set sail, we all crashed and died!

Amdír, holding his son: Say no more, Ada’s here…

Amdír, to Oropher: We’ll continue this later. I have something more important to do: comfort my son!

{Amdír and Amroth exit the stage.}

{Gil-Galad opens his mouth as if to speak.}

Oropher: Gilly, don’t you dare say ‘this is why I stayed single’! I may be less wise and more dangerous, but at least I have tact!

Gil-Galad: I wasn’t going to say that!

Oropher: Yes, you were! It’s all you ever say!

Gil-Galad: No, it’s not!

Oropher: Yes, it is!

Gil-Galad: No, it’s not!

Oropher: Yes, it is!

{The Narrator throws them off the stage because they are less wisely and more dangerously continuing to bicker. Some spirits in the Halls of Mandos are trying to rest in peace!}

Narrator: And thus concludes a brief history of the Woodland Realm.

{Narrator does a bow and exits the stage.}

Lucky: Wow, Amroth managed to find and fall in love with the one woman in all of Arda who isn’t wiser than her man.

Lockdown: Leave that poor boy alone! Barely anybody knows anything about him or his father, and his father’s the guy who founded Lothlórien!

Lucky: Those are Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn’s trees! Not theirs!

Lockdown: Our guy had to double-check, “Is this the dad’s name or the son’s?”

Lucky: There’s three idiots in this world whose names start with “Amro”!!!

Lockdown: He knew Amroth was definitely not a kin-slayer, that’s about it. I don’t think he should sail to Valinor. Everyone is going to kin-slay him for assassinating their character!

Beowulf: Well, boys, and Ardan Elves, the key to writing a comedy is to exaggerate how ridiculous a situation is. And there are quite a lot of ridiculous things that have happened in this world.

Wolfgang: And besides, Amroth was such a crybaby that a bunch of people, who’d moved all their stuff out of their houses, agreed to wait for his girlfriend, who never showed up. When they finally did set sail, they all crashed and died. Forget about anyone from the Woodland Realm, the least wise and most dangerous elf is Nimrodel!

Lucky and Lockdown: For now….

Beowulf: However, there’s three Elves around here who are even worse at keeping track of a single woman without magic than that poor boy Amroth, who only had himself to keep track of his woman: Lord Glorfindel, the Fountain Guy, and Egalmoth.

Ecthelion: I have a name, you know!

Wolfgang, laughing: That’s right, you do! Your name is Fountain Guy! Not a single one of you thought, “You Elven eyes keep track of her by day, you Elven eyes keep track of her by night!”

Egalmoth: Well, we were led by the Blondest Blonde in all of Arda. He is such a blond that is literally what his name means!

Ecthelion: He can slay balrogs and defend exiles, that’s about it… So what exactly is your leader doing right now?

Clever promo for Comrade Himbo: a comic anthology full of Glorfindel-like characters working together to improve the lives of each other and their communities. But also more diverse than typical Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold body-types.

“Thicc of thigh… thiccer of heart”, that’s all I needed to know!

Once I finally got the time to read it, it brought me a lot of joy not only being able to concentrate on reading during this trying time in my life, but also seeing a bunch of compassionate characters making a difference. My hope in promoting it here is not only for people to go out and buy the thing, but also have some hope sparked in them again.

Another one of their anthologies that I’ve fallen in love with is Group Chat: a collection of stories about the power of found family and friendship. It’s on my precious books list just on principle. I’m adding Comrad Himbo, too.

Follow the publisher on twitter!

Wolfgang: Who wants to explain to Amroth what “nimrod” means nowadays?

Beowulf: Leave that poor boy alone, werepup! Honestly! The Star Wars boys are terrible influences on you!

Wolfgang: That’s right, they are! And I love their terrible influences on me very much.

Lucky and Lockdown, cuddling up with Wolfgang: And we love your awesome influence on us, Wolfgang!

{Beowulf sighs lovingly. First, Pixxy Fire Fist, and now these two Globuk! His child always manages to find the least wise and most dangerous people, animals, what have you―to befriend. However, he is also proud of her. His werepup finally has a pack of her own!}

Narrator: That, everyone, is the power of love. Not only does it allow you to wreak havoc on countless people’s lives without even having to be present in said lives―with no power of your own, simply your beloved’s tears―it also allows you to turn less wise and more dangerous foxes into cuddlebugs.

“So, HFE, how do we give you some money for all this content you’re creating and sharing for free? We want you to make this a full-time gig rather than a passion project!”

I’m glad you asked!

If you can give me a one-time tip, you can head over to ko-fi.

If you can commit to a monthly tip, you can set that up via twitch or patreon. Twitch also lets you set up alternate payment schedules: every three months and every six months.

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