Rape of the Rings

Wolfgang: To be fair, it’s not like rape comes up that often in Lord of the Rings.


[The Fellowship are travelling.]

Pippin: Hey, Leafy! Let’s talk about how your people die when you’re raped!!!

Legolas, a heavily sheltered Woodland Realmer who’s not working in his first language on this journey: …What!?

Gimli, who’s also not working in his first language, but was never a sheltered aristocat: Oh, hell nae, laddie! That is nae a dinner conversation!!! My people hate his people, and even I have more class than that! Me mum and da taught me that much!

[Pippin screams as Gimli starts chasing him. This boy needs some discipline!]

Boromir: Who’s idea was it to bring all these useless Hobbits along?

[The non-Hobbits glare at Gandalf. The Hobbits are ready to fight Boromir.]

Gandalf, fuming from someone insulting his beloved Hobbits, and also being the only Maiar who’s actually doing his job at this point. He is not paid enough for this bullshit: Look. They were already here, and if any of you touched the Ring, never mind bore it, you’d become corrupted, too.

Boromir rolls his eyes. Gandalf whacks him with his staff.

Gandalf: Boromir, son of Denethor! You will heed my words or become your own undoing! Even I can’t touch this thing, and I’m a goddamn freakin’ Maiar! The Ring seeks those who desire power, including the power to do noble things.


Shroud: “Those who have power they don’t deserve will abuse it” ― my high school psychology teacher. I don’t remember his name, but I remember that lesson he taught me. Just because Boromir’s from Gondor doesn’t mean he should rule it. He’s not even listening when the fate of the world is at stake. Middle-Earth is very traditional. The king is the king, that’s it. It’s not even like Narnia where there’s three other rulers who can override him. And apparently, Aragorn’s only 11 by the time Smaug wakes up. That is not appropriate backup for Bard the Dragon-Slayer. Aragorn needs his Dúnedain training, too. We really shouldn’t go messing around in other worlds’ politics. I’m not A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court.

Pixxy: Hey, that’s actually pretty decent copy!

Shroud: Thanks, Pixxy. Why do people tell stories about making ideal societies? Even King Arthur himself couldn’t get Camelot to work.

Shadow: Well, maybe that’s the point. There is no perfect society. But Americans can absolutely be trying a lot harder than they are.

Wolfgang: You mean trying at all?

Shadow: Exactly.


“HFE, thank you for creating and sharing so much art and writing for free. How can we help turn your passion and skills into a full-time gig?”

I’m glad you asked!

If you can give me a one-time tip, head over to ko-fi. I’ve also got emotes and icons you can buy.

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Thank you for taking time to read this. I hope you enjoy what you’ve found here.

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