Rape of the Rings

Piko: So, apparently, Ardan Elves die when they get raped.

Lucky and Lockdown: What…!?

This piece makes a laughing matter out of how rape works in Middle-Earth in order to bring to light how poorly rape trials often go, and how poorly rape victims are often treated and depicted. The author acknowledges that rape is no laughing matter. If rape is not a subject matter you care for, especially when it’s treated like this, get thine eyes away from this puerile literature!

The author also acknowledges that not every single story on AO3 is a sexfest. Not every single one of my AO3 stories is a sexfest either! It’s just that the sexfest (shipping in general, really) fics get the most attention there. Know your audience, and all that. If you seek free, adult AO3 literature that’s not all sex and shipping, I highly recommend SophiaCatherine and Thette. They were the Adults amongst my initial set of AO3 author friends. Sophia in particular taught me how to embrace writing about non-romantic, non-sexual relationships. Sophia was also the first to teach me the principles nonbinary power!

Piko: Everyone on AO3 has forgotten about this, but yeah! Ardan Elves die when they’re raped! Imagine if every single rape trial was also a murder trial…


Rapist: No, no, no, no, no! Your honor! I swear, by my honor, I only murdered them, I didn’t rape them!

Námo: And how did you murder them, by driving your knife through their ring?

Rapist: Yes! I mean no!

Námo: Oh, you’re dead meat, you little bitch! You know exactly what happens to devils of your ilk. Kin-Slayers! Come slay some ex-kin!

Caranthir: Yes! Our day hath cometh, brothers!!!


Lucky and Lockdown: Well, if we can’t get ’em for rape, we’d at least be able to get ’em in on a murder charge.

Piko: Theoretically… Who knows? Some people might be able to weasel their way out of that too!


Rapist: That body, that I definitely did not rape, is definitely alive, your honor, I swear!

Finwë: Ah, yes, the dead body that is colder and stiffer than ice. Your victim is most certainly alive indeed.

Durin: My folk may be so obsessed with treasure that we hoarded a dead woman’s jewelry and threw a Hobbit off a ledge, but even we have more honor than you!

Thorin Idiotshield throws Bilbo Baggins off a ledge. I keep forgetting I can just toss videos into posts!

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