Rape of the Rings

Piko: So, apparently, Ardan Elves die when they get raped.

Lucky and Lockdown: What…!?

This piece makes a laughing matter out of how rape works in Middle-Earth in order to bring to light how poorly Reality’s rape trials often go, and how poorly rape victims are often treated and depicted. The author acknowledges that rape is no laughing matter. If rape is not a subject matter you care for, especially when it’s treated like this, get thine eyes away from this puerile literature! We gotta find the humor where we can around here. If you can handle that, feel free to proceed.

The author also acknowledges that not every single story on AO3 is a sexfest. Not every single one of my AO3 stories is a sexfest either! It’s just that the sexfest (shipping in general, really) fics get the most attention there. Know your audience, and all that. If you seek free, adult AO3 literature that’s not all sex and shipping, I highly recommend SophiaCatherine and Thette. They were the Adults amongst my initial set of AO3 author friends. Sophia in particular taught me how to embrace writing about non-romantic, non-sexual relationships. Sophia was also the first to teach me the principles nonbinary power!

Piko: Everyone on AO3 has forgotten about this, but yeah! Ardan Elves die when they’re raped!

Wolfgang: Or it’s yet another mostly useless detail in a world of mostly useless details.

Pixxy: Or it’s a stupidass decision, and AO3ers elect to ignore it. We’ve got a lot of shit to cope with in galaxies far, far away. We gotta take it out on someone, and some of us pick Ardan Elves. They’ve got fair forms and fair faces. They also tend to be aristocats: just like the people who tend to get away with rape in real life. Who wouldn’t want to rape them? It’s fun taking proud, high and mighty people down as many pegs as possible.

Shadow: And some people are creatives that put their ideas to good use by writing horror stories. Writing weird literature is very different from actually raping people! If you see something online that you don’t like, just exit your current tab and find something else to read. There are many evils to fight in this world. Horror stories, including sexual horror stories, are not one of them.

Shroud: Art imitates life. Life is horrific; therefore, art will be too.

Wolfgang: Admittedly, it gets weird when RPF’s involved, but our creator doesn’t touch RPF with a ten foot pole. It’s not his community to talk about, we don’t need to talk about it. Just tag your shit, okay? And don’t learn how to consummate any marriage from AO3! That place is Sexual Fantasies R Us.

Pixxy: And no, you cannot tell who’s been raped and who hasn’t. You don’t know the creator personally; how could you possibly know all the intimate details of their life? Especially a detail as intimate and violent as this??? Curiosity doesn’t trump courtesy!


Piko: Imagine if every single rape trial was also a murder trial…


Rapist: No, no, no, no, no! Your honor! I swear, by my honor, I only murdered them, I didn’t rape them!

Námo: And how did you murder them, by driving your knife through their ring?

Rapist: Yes! I mean no!

Námo: Oh, you’re dead meat, you little bitch! You know exactly what happens to devils of your ilk. Kin-Slayers! Come slay some ex-kin!

Caranthir: Yes! Our day hath cometh, brothers!!!


Lucky: Well, if we can’t get ’em for rape, we’d at least be able to get ’em in on a murder charge.

Piko: Theoretically… Who knows? Some people might be able to weasel their way out of that too!


Rapist: That body, that I definitely did not rape, is definitely alive, your honor, I swear!

Finwë: Ah, yes, the dead body that is colder and stiffer than ice. Your victim is most certainly alive indeed.

Durin: My folk may be so obsessed with treasure that we hoarded a dead woman’s jewelry and threw a Hobbit off a ledge, but even we have more honor than you!

Thorin Idiotshield throws Bilbo Baggins off a ledge. I keep forgetting I can just toss videos into posts!

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