Wolfgang: We’re not really explaining it to the Ardan Elves. We’re explaining it to Americans. When you put it like this, doesn’t America sound freakin’ insane?
Beowulf: Hey, come on, language! I know you don’t care for people very much, but there are disabled people reading this too. People who are always hearing insanity and mental illness in villainous contexts rather than as what they are: minds that need different supports than neurotypical people do.
Wolfgang: I know that! But I’m tired of walking on eggshells all the time! It’s nothing we haven’t heard before!
Beowulf: Well, as your father, I know you can do better than that. Try it again!
Wolfgang, even more annoyed than usual: “When you put it like this, doesn’t America sound freakin’ ridiculous?”
Beowulf: There you go! You don’t need to call Americans disabled, just call them what they are: ridiculous! Americans are so used to everyone fawning over them that they don’t know how weird their “greatest country” is.
Piko: That’s another thing we’d have to explain to the Ardan Elves. In Arda, Elves rule Elves, Men rule Men, Hobbits rule Hobbits, and Orcs rule Orcs. In America, all of these peoples and more are under either Thranduil or Glorfindel’s banner for 4-8 years, depending on majority rule.
Kenken: Minus the electoral college.
Wolfgang: No! We do not have time to get into that! Just watch a Trevor Noah video instead!
Wolfgang: Shut up, Kenken!
Piko: Besides, like you said, this stuff’s out of our league! We don’t need to do everything ourselves, we can delegate it! Some people are great at entering “electoral college explained” into a search bar, some people aren’t. In today’s day and age, you don’t need to know everything off the top of your head, you need to know how to find it.
Beowulf: You also need to know when someone has a beneficial (or at least harmless) bias, and when someone has a harmful bias. For example, I am biased in favor of revering my wife like a goddess! First of all, she is one! Second of all, as long as your partner is genuinely doing the best they can for you, you should do your genuine best for them. Even if your or their genuine best fluctuates from time to time. You may love your partner, and your partner may love you, but both of you (or however many partners are involved in less traditional worlds) need to love yourselves first.
Piko: We’ll explain polyamory later! But for now, hit it, Chu!
Chu: Rescue Teams can have more than one teammate, so can people, too!
Shadowron Icy Eyes: As long as they can manage them properly. Some people can handle triple battles and beyond, and swapping partners, other people can’t. And most importantly, if you aren’t even handling a double battle properly, don’t bring others in to try and “fix it”. That’s not fair to your third.
Pixxy Fire First: And absolutely do not expect a baby to fix your marriage either!
Beowulf: However, some people’s biases are harmful. If you deny what other people say simply because it upsets you, conflicts with how you personally experience your own little corner of the world, or goes against any long-held beliefs you have (religious or not); you’re acting like a spoiled little baby! There are more people out there than just you! Some people have it rougher than others for no other reason than people like you deciding, “Those people are worthless! We want as few of those types of people as possible―unless they contribute something brilliant.” Not just currently, but centuries, if not millennia, back. And while you might not think you’re contributing to such warfare, if you’re not actively hunting and combating evil, can you truly claim that you’re following the Light Side? Even if you can’t speak out against evil, can you not at least share others’ experiences with your own followers? If you can share a cat photo, you can share when racism, misogyny, queerphobia, fatphobia, and ableism (amongst other evils) rear their vapid heads yet again. Ask yourself whose stories most often get told, who gets to be involved in telling those stories, and whose stories do you most often seek out?
You think the only people who are peopleStephen Laurence Schwartz / Alan Irwin Menken, Colors of the Wind.
Are the people who look and think like you.
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger,
You’ll learn things you never knew, you never knew.
“Any warrior knew that death by slow poisoning was worse than death by the blade.”M.L. Wang, The Sword of Kaigen.
[Archdeacon, sung]: See there the inncoent blood you have spilt
On the steps of Notre Dame.
[Frollo, spoken]: I am guiltless, she ran, I pursued.
[Archdeacon, sung]: Now you would add this child’s blood to your guilt
On the steps of Notre Dame.
[Frollo, spoken]: My conscience us clear!
[Archdeacon, sung]: You can lie to yourself and your minions!
You can claim that you haven’t a qualm!
But you never can, run from nor hide what you’ve done from the eyes
The very eyes of Notre Dame!
[Clopin]: And for one time in his lifeStephen Laurence Schwartz / Alan Irwin Menken, Bells of Notre Dame. Here is a metal version performed by Johnathan Young and Caleb Hyles, the version I prefer.
Of power and control.
Frollo felt a twinge of fear
For his immortal soul.
“Anger may in time change to gladness; vexation may be succeeded by content. But a kingdom that has once been destroyed can never come again into being; nor can the dead ever be brought back to life.”Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
Beowulf: Now, if you’re excuse us, we have something even more important to explain to the Ardan Elves. We have to explain to them what a script is!
Wolfgang: It’s when you have a lot characters, and they all have a lot of things to say. Or in Caranthir’s case, one character who’s so fiery, he took over the story of Curufin and Alye―at least until our guy took a nap and came back to it later. Explanations over! We’re done here! Have a video of Uganda’s parliament fighting over changing a law. Trevor Noah’s right! Why can’t American politicians fight over preserving their useless laws and outdated Constitution? Most of them are a bunch of rich old white people who’ve done barely, if any, physical fighting in years. They don’t have to. Fuck fighting with words! Fight with your fuckin’ body over your right to let school shooters and Covid-19 run rampant! And to throw the country’s money into more wars and warfare toys instead of literally anything else that people actually need right now! And no, they’re not allowed to hire someone else to do it for them. They have to do it themselves!
Piko: They’d get about as much done as they usually do, but at least it’d be entertaining!
Kenken: And Wolfgang’s right, this stuff is above our league!
Wolfgang: …Sorry for yelling at you, Kenken.
Kenken: Oh, don’t worry about it. As we keep saying, if you want to write an essay, you need to stay on topic; and we’re all terrible at staying on topic! I really don’t mind. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. We use even rowdier language in the GAR. You’re Commander Riley, but nice!
Beowulf: Besides, werepup, some topics are inter-connected! Such as our creator’s childhood, context-less awe of the Woodland Realm and his whitewashed education of American history―and of the world in general.
“So, HFE, how do we give you some money for all this content you’re creating and sharing for free? We want you to make this a full-time gig rather than a passion project!”
I’m glad you asked!
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