Size Matters Quite a Lot

Norawarth: Let me handle the legitimate Ardan Elven social graces. As you said, you “understand how they go in theory, but [you] do not know how to execute on them”.

Harnor: My brain isn’t even wired for the typical social graces of the world I’m from! No way in hell would ever be able to be socially graceful here!

Norawarth: And you need not to be. You may know more about this world than an actual 24-year-old Ardan Elf―including but not limited to: a selection of Khuzdul and the secret names of the Valar!

Harnor: There’s not exactly a lot secrets where I’m from.

Norawarth: Indeed. I do not think it is a childhood you seek. What you seek is someone you can trust your vulnerabilities with, including that you “trip walking up the stairs”? And that you “wake up and wander around randomly in the middle of the night”? No! You cannot live in Lothlórien!

Harnor: That’s right I can’t! Lórienians live in talans! I would freakin’ die!

Norawarth: Quite right! You need to dwell in Imladris, the Last Homely House East of the Sea. You are not a liar, not a direct one at any rate. The only real defense you have is remaining silent. You need not teach anybody anything. Let us teach you how “keep you safe from yourself”. Forget about starting a cat fight with Morgoth. There is a worthier cat fight to start: between you and Prince Legolas, over the hand of Captain Tauriel.

Harnor: …

Norawarth: Her friendship then.

Acharor: Yes! Her and Loserleaf are a match made in hell! He may be a prince, but he has no charm! If this is what his father’s doing while she’s merely a captain, who knows how much worse he’ll be as an in-law? I’ll find her a worthier husband! A husband from a family that will respect her! I am content with the mate-less life, she is not. And more importantly, neither is that hormonal miscreant: Legolas Loserleaf! If he wants a mate, he may find one amongst the aristocracy that his father prefers.

Norawarth: Understood.

Chu: I thought we said it was wrong to compare Black people to Orcs?

Piko: We know that, Chu, but we need to dumb it down for the Ardan Elves.

Kenken: Ardan Elves may love learning things, but a good teacher understands when a topic is out of their league. And this is very much beyond our league!

Piko: Black people were once enslaved, and so are the Orcs. It’s good enough! The only other Black people in Middle-Earth are the Haradrim, and they sided with Sauron. At least the Orcs have to be evil. They’re enslaved! To Morgoth, no less! Why’d the Haradrim fall to the Dark Side?

Wolfgang: I don’t know, and I don’t care. Storytelling over!

Beowulf: Maybe instead of comparing Black people to Orcs, like Tolkien did, how about we compare them to Hobbits instead? What Europeans, Americans, and other white people did to our Hobbits was: round them up, enslave them, force them into taking on Elvish names, refuse to let them speak their own language, erase every good thing Hobbits ever did, and either shave their hair or straighten it out so that their curls don’t show. And still look down on them because they’re too Hobbit-y for Elven tastes.

John Oliver talks about Black hair.

Beowulf: And the reason we enslaved the Hobbits instead of the Humans is because the Humans all kept dying of diseases we brought in from Valinor.

Shadow of Chaos: Just because you can’t catch diseases doesn’t mean you can’t spread them! And those long-haired pretty people never put their long, pretty hair up or cover it up when they’re preparing food! Your body has lots of germs on it, and hair is the part of the body that’s most likely to fall into food. Our guy has barely any hair at all, and even he covers his hair at work!

Wolfgang: This metaphor is as broken as our creator’s blood family, but it’s good enough for someone who understands this is not only above his head, but also can’t afford an editor.

Piko: How would you explain not just Black people, but any non-white people to the Ardan Elves? Tell us down in the comments!

Trevor Noah and all the bullshit phone calls racists make on Black people. Why would you even touch a phone if you don’t have to!? Non-video calls are cursed! Why can’t these people be afraid to talk to people? They’re too fearless! And completely thoughtless about the messages they’re sending and the lives they’re potentially ruining!

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