Size Matters Quite a Lot

Norawarth: I think the real reason you do not respect King Thranduil and Prince Legolas is because both of them were simply handed their kingdom. Lady Galadriel, Lord Celeborn, and Lord Elrond worked for theirs.

Calemir: That’s right, they did!

Norawarth: And as everyone knows, the Woodland Realmers are less wise and more dangerous. You consider them a childish obsession. You even consider King Thranduil “a king of yokels“!

Calemir: Well, that’s what he is! He leads the rustic people! That’s literally the reason why the Silvan Elves accepted his daddy’s leadership in the first place. They all wanted to be rustic together! Thranduil’s basically the king of Alabama. Alabama is the “fiefdom” we make fun of when we remember there’s worse “fiefdoms” than Texas. At least Texas has some cities and my friend Ovaettr. Alabama’s got jack shit going for itself!

Norawarth: American fiefdoms can have multiple cities?

Calemir: Oh yeah! Imagine if a single king or queen ruled all of Middle-Earth; including the Dwarves, Hobbits, Humans―and Orcs who’ve been freed from slavery (at least in theory). That’s basically what America is.

Norawarth: That is enormous, both in terms of geography and population…

Calemir: Yep! America has fifty officially recognized fiefdoms called “states”. We also currently have 14 territories, such as Puerto Rico and Guam, that we rule without affording the same rights and privileges that we afford all the other states.

Norawarth: How do you memorize all this information?

Calemir: You don’t. You just write it down, and hope for the best!

Norawarth: Interesting.

Calemir: So Alabama has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies in America because its education leaders there believe that if you beat people into abstinence, they’ll abstain from what their body is literally screaming at them to do. Y’all have to abstain from sex because you don’t have condoms or the morning after pill or birth control or abortions. The leaders of Alabama and like-minded overlords want to keep these things away from people because they want every single baby they can get. They, too, reduce people to child-bearers and child-planters, despite 1) that being morally horrendous and 2) so much education that says otherwise. They want all child-bearers to be naked, barefoot, and pregnant. Lady Galadriel would send all of them to the Halls of Mandos!

Norawarth: Indeed she would!

John Oliver talks about America’s utter lack of sex ed standards. If we can come up with national standards for how algebra and literature we need to know, we can come up with national standards for how much actual life skills we need to know!

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