Caranthir, if he’d had children

Norawarth: I suspect you already know what might have happened if Caranthir had sired children.

Calemir: He would’ve said, “Aaaaaah!!! Maglor! How do you raise a baby!?!”

Maglor: First of all, stop crying harder than the baby! Secondly, you had twins.

{ Maglor rushes to catch Caranthir as he faints.}

Maglor: Good grief, Caranthir! Curufin, get our beloved idiot to bed, I will tend to his wife.

{ The next day, Caranthir finds more things to panic about. }

Caranthir: Is my wife alive!?

Maglor: Indeed, she lives. Calm down!

Caranthir: How do you name babies!?

Maglor: Well, first of all, I highly suggest you actually meet the babies you intend to name. Did you give birth or did your wife?

{ Caranthir is hyperventilating. Maglor wrestles him into a hug. }

Maglor: Breathe, brother, breathe! …Never mind, go back to sleep. You can name them later! Babies are highly observant. If they observe you like this, you will awaken their own fiery spirits.

{ Caranthir goes back to sleep. }

{ Once more, Caranthir awakens. He is determined to not panic on sight of the very vulnerable little beings he and his wife brought into this world. One has red hair, one has black hair. The redheaded one is nursing while the black-haired one is watching her strange old man curiously. }

Fealassie: You thought me dead? Beloved, I am not made of paper. You strengthened my body and my spirit. Come closer. Our babies are very excited to meet you. And I am very excited to begin this new chapter of our lives together. They will wait for a name. For now, we can simply call them “ours”.

{ Caranthir smiles. The black-haired one reaches out to him with her spindly fingers and grabs one of his. }

{ In another room, Maglor and Curufin are conspiring. }

Curufin: Why is he worrying so much? He can simply name them “Carafindil” and “Morfindil“.

Maglor: Hush, brother, it is his right to name them, not yours. He is worried that he will one day unleash his temper on them. Fealassie can defend herself, their children cannot.

Curufin: He has not unleashed his anger on her once during her entire pregnancy! Even before, actually.

Maglor: Oh?

Curufin: I have noticed that his visits have been out of gladness rather than shame lately.

Maglor: That is wonderful news! Hopefully, he remains fiery in battle. We need to fulfill our oath, after all―our father’s dying wish!

Curufin: Indeed.

Chu: So if Carafind means “red hair” and Morfind means “black hair”, what does “il” make it mean?

Piko: That’s just an ending for Ardan Elven girls’ names.

Kenken: There’s also “eth”, and “el”, among others.

Chu: So if “el” is an ending for girls, does that mean Lord Glorfindel and King Thranduil are also girls?

Pixxy: Yes! Yes, it does! Lord Glorfindel and King Thranduil are on the mom squad now too! Let’s go celebrate their advanced genders!

Lucky and Lockdown: Quick! Before Harnor notices that everyone else has Sindarin names while Fealassie’s still using a Quenya name!

Piko: That’s another thing we’d have to explain to the Ardan Elves. Depending on what site you look up, and what state you live in (and sometimes, depending on what county you live in), Americans only have ten days to name a baby after its born. This is the only name you’re allowed to have, a name that will follow you for the rest of your life. And also have different restrictions on changing your name later after the fact, depending on the state.

Wolfgang: If you can’t figure out why that causes a lot of grief to people who are advanced genders, and / or anyone who was abused by their family, and / or anyone who’s better at coming up with names than their family, you’re an idiot.

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