“HFE, you’ve been yelling at Elves a lot lately. Are you okay?”
Oh, I’m more than okay! I haven’t had this much fun in years!
- Call everybody children, including adults.
- Hate the Dwarves because your creator―who made their creator act as if to kill them―told you to.
- Take forever to get to the point.
- Call Dwarven women “ugly men”, and their children “ugly” too. Really? That’s the best you can come up with?? Calling a woman an ugly man??? That’s the lowest-hanging fruit there is. The most insulting thing about that is the delivery. If you’re going to insult someone, put some fire into it! My god! No wonder your dad’s not letting you marry your girlfriend. You speak too softly. Your father’s not gonna respond to your measly, mousy-mouthed pleas! He’s a commanding officer, you’re just a subordinate unit!!! (No offense to Piko and Chu).
- Be so obsessed with companionship that you murder your own wife―whom you trapped in your forest and your marriage―in an attempt to murder your son.
- Dote on that aforementioned, violently orphaned son, but not lovingly enough that you teach him anything about how to survive a few vague threats, never mind an actual torture session. Do it, kid! Give away the location of our city!
- Make ailing travelers―whose dear companion and leader just died―go through your forest blindfolded because one of them is a Dwarf. That man speaks this world’s most secret language, and therefore will definitely give away how to travel through your precious forest path. Oh no! Whatever shall we do? We definitely cannot trust this secret language-speaking Dwarf with our secrets! Never trust a Dwarf with anything at all. Except three locks of our lady’s hair. He’ll need a token to prove to our horse-fucking neighbors that he’s honorable or whatever―or they’re all going to start another war amidst this war over a stupid ring.
- Slaughter as much kin as possible in order to get your balls back! And bind your sons to an oath to help you while you’re at it.
- Burn your second-youngest son alive because he wanted to go back to his responsible parent: his mother!
- Drag two innocent children out into a forest and let them starve to death because you’re obsessed with getting your daddy’s balls back. Really? This is the friend Aredhel wandered off for??? Goddamn! She needs a better friend than that! Even if there was magic compelling them to keep hunting down those balls, what part of that oath bound him to drag children into this?
- Don’t consider anybody family unless they’re related to you by full blood. None of this step-sibling / half-sibling nonsense! I don’t know anything about them, but one of them sired Lady Galadriel: the only Ardan Elven mom who theoretically would and could have murdered her husband if he dared hurt her or her baby! Or at least asked her daddy to do it for her. I’ll take your sisters too while I’m at it! Lady Galadriel fights the Dark Lord all the time, Lord Celeborn would be a piece of cake if it came to that. The Ardan Dwarven moms would all definitely be able to do it, and get an army of moms to help them! Sometimes, souls are too tightly bound together. Even if you really love someone, you need to focus on loving yourself first. If you’re not managing yourself properly, of course you’re not going to be able to manage others either.
- Reject all your wife’s names for your youngest sons, even though she’s proven time and again that’s she better at coming up with names than you. You named your second-oldest son “Commanding Finwe”. What did you want your son to command your dad to do? And why would you name your second-to-last son “Last Finwë” when there’s a latter-more son to name “Last Finwë” instead? You are absolutely terrible at this! Well, if you don’t want any of your sons to be named Umbarto “the Fated” or Ambarussa “Top-russet”, I’ll take ’em!
- Accuse your wife of conspiring with Aulë. What??? Where the hell did you get this idea from? Forget about the Ereborian Dwarves, you need to get out of your house!
- Refuse to leave your house even though you know warfare’s happening, and your less wise and allegedly more dangerous people tend to fight in forests rather than in open fields.
- Refuse to leave your house even though you know warfare’s happening, and you’re a Marchwarden who only fights in forests. Only train under ideal weather conditions, not rain; nor in enclosed spaces.
- Hate your own people so much that you refuse to allow your best captain of the forest guard―who can also use Ardan healing magic, which not just anybody can learn―to marry your son because she’s a “lowly” Silvan Elf. There’s a better reason to forbid their marriage. Does your son even know she’s in love with him? He’s a politician. He’s going to need it stated more directly.
- Mock said captain of the forest guard once she finally makes a friend besides your son. That friend’s time in this world is limited, and so’s your captain’s. There is no information about how she’s going to die, but she’s going to ditch the place immediately once your son leaves to go find Aragorn, son of Arathorn, aka Strider, aka Estel Elrondion, aka Elessar. If you hate her that much, at least suggest to your son to bring her with him this time around.
- Refuse to teach your son that you need to be dishonorable sometimes. Animals may remain innocent, but people need harder life lessons than that. Orcs are enslaved. They have nothing to live for! Even their animals are scarred! It is okay to slay those slaves.
- Never help your neighbors, not even their children, after a dragon’s just destroyed their home. And you, as the resident dragon-slayer, did jack all to help out in that fight even with an entire army at your back. You chose what was best for your people. Sometimes, you have to make hard choices. Ardan dragons are hard to slay. You may not have the resources to help everyone, but presumably, you can at least help the kids. Would your wife, mother, father, or son want you turning your back on the children?
- Use flowerier language for any random friend you have than whoever you seek to marry. Therefore, amidst your father bullying her over being a “lowly” Silvan Elf, and what love is, she will fall in love with any random guy who comes along, including a Dwarf who let her tease him and told her about the promise stone his mother gave him: the promise stone she gave him to remind him to come back home. She needs higher standards than that, but frankly, she needs higher standards than you! You’re a freakin’ prince, she’s middle class. This is literally most people’s dreams come true. You may not care for the finer things in life, but as her alleged beloved, you should at least be teaching her how be-love herself. This should be love on easy mode! Forget about her being a Silvan Elf, there’s a better reason to forbid that marriage. You don’t deserve her. You’re too childish! You’re jealous that she’s passionately protecting him from a poisoned Orcish arrow instead of coming home with you. She’s a healer! A healer with Ardan healing magic, no less. She’s doing her job, idiot! As someone who saved his life, he will be indebted to her. He’ll fight for her place amongst his people. You’re not! If you truly love her, you’ll appreciate that she loves both of you. Some people can handle triple battles. You don’t have to care for each other, you just have to unite for her.
- Be so traumatized over your brother choosing humanity that you’re still upset when your daughter chooses humanity, too. Be grateful for the time that you have together! Not everybody wants to go to Valinor! And also be grateful that your kids behave themselves. Calemir’ade don’t! Besides, there’s a better thing to be upset at her about. She started a cult of crazy, incestuous weirdos with her human foster-brother! Why the hell did you allow this marriage? Isn’t he a little young for her???
- Be so bad at babysitting that you and all your men can’t keep track of one woman who has zero magic at all. To be fair, you didn’t have a great role model for this. Your creator left his firstborn asleep on a beach, where anybody could and did come along and find you. You think you would’ve learned better than this between those two points, but I guess not. I understand that babysitting and escort missions aren’t easy, and you have thousands of people and yourself to manage, but next time, put at least one squad in charge of watching over your escortee by day and at least one squad in charge of watching over your escortee by night.
Wow. Those are terrible social graces to have. I don’t think Ardan Elves have any sensibilities at all. They’re terrible at the one thing they’re allegedly good at!
Let’s study Ardan Dwarven Sensibilities tomorrow, see if they fare any better.
“So, HFE, how do we give you some money for all this content you’re creating and sharing for free? We want you to make this a full-time gig rather than a passion project!”
I’m glad you asked!
If you can give me a one-time tip, you can head over to ko-fi.com/hfeproductions.