Ardan Elven Marriages are Garbage!

Apparently, the most important components of Ardan Elven marriages are the wedding vows and consummation. That’s stupid! The most important components of any relationship, romantic or otherwise: is love, dedication, and doing your genuine best for your partner(s). If you don’t want to consummate the marriage, just hide out in your bedroom for a week, and everybody will assume you made mischief. Nobody will know if you don’t tell them!

You all need to remember what happened to Finwë and Míriel. Míriel freakin’ left her body because of how agonizing childbirth was for her. And then Fëanor developed so many mommy issues over this that he became an angry little boy who hoarded those stupid star tree balls, made his kids swear an oath and slay their kin to get them back, potentially burned his second-youngest son Amrod alive because he feared Amrod wanted to go back to his mom (she had a gift of prophecy, they all should’ve listened to her better), and then Morgoth ended up with one anyway. Fëanor rejected all her names for those twins. We’re rejecting his name for the Silmarils. They’re Star Tree Balls now!

None of this truly matters. Fëanor’s dead anyway, and the Star Tree Balls are no longer able to be possessed by anybody. I know he worked hard on those things, but didn’t he work hard on his family too? He was so obsessed with his work that he forgot what his ultimate treasures should’ve been: his family.

“My will is your will” absolutely not! Elves are expected to be perfectly obedient. Y’all might be immortal, but you’re not invulnerable. Bend, break, steal, and adapt whatever it takes―including oaths, gods, and people―if that’s what it takes to keep yourself safe! Just because someone’s your kin doesn’t mean they’ve got your best interest at heart. Celegorm dragged his uncles, Eluréd and Elurín, out into the woods where they died of starvation. Maedros did his best to find them, but his brothers were out of control well before that point.

And if you think this is just limited to Fëanor and his kin-slaying, oath-keeping brats, don’t forget about Maeglin! His dad trapped his mom in his forest and their marriage. Eventually, Maeglin and Aredhel got outta there―temporarily. Eöl was so obsessed with getting them back that he murdered Aredhel over this. And Maeglin eventually revealed the location of Gondolin over some threats and a promise that Morgoth would let him have his cousin Idris and the city.

You all need to learn how to negotiate relationships better―and what you actually want from those relationships. You know how Mandalorian wedding vows go? “We are one when together, we are one when parted, we will share all, we will raise warriors.” Even if those warriors are soldiers you’re training, or animals, or plants, or whatever. “Plants are warriors?” Yes! Gardening’s hard work! And in some worlds, there are magical, fighting plants. But never mind that. The most important takeaway for everyone in Arda is: words mean things here! Take advantage of that! If Eru gives you and beloved(s) any problems, just remember, instead of celebrating Mahal giving his favorite children even more peoples to act higher and mightier than, he made Mahal act as if to kill them! What kind of thoughtless god is that? Honestly!

By the way, how do you have a feast of the two houses if the members of one or more houses are dead?


If anybody’s wondering what Mandalorians are, I shall write more thoroughly about them later. For now, just imagine if Lady Galadriel and her peoples all had Galadhrim bows that kill you damn near instantly, regularly wore armor in public, and conquered entire planets―while also adopting any children they found along the way.


Besides, do you want to be trapped in feeling compelled to consummate that marriage? Or do you want love-making to be an act of love and certainty? Anyone who truly loves you will wait patiently for you to be ready. Anyone who truly loves you will also still love you if you never want to consummate that marriage. You’re immortal and allegedly not fueled by the flesh―even Eöl and Finwë suggest otherwise.

As previously stated, consummation is not the most important part of love. Do your genuine best by whatever partner you’ve got. You may be immortal, but you’re not invulnerable. Just because you’re ready to wed your lover(s) does not mean you’re ready to bed your lover(s). Also, unlike my friends, you’re not a bunch of gossip-mongering bitches! You behave yourselves. Calemir’ade don’t!

Tale as old as time.
True as it can be.
Barely even friends.
Then somebody bends.
Unexpectedly.

Just a little change,
Small, to say the least.
Both a little scared,
Neither one prepared.
Beauty and the Beast.

Ever just the same,
Ever a surprise.
Ever as before,
Ever just as sure,
As the sun will rise.

Tale as old as time,
Tune as old as song.
Bittersweet and strange,
Finding you can change,
Learning you were wrong.

Certain as the sun,
Rising in the east.
Tale as old as time,
Song as old as rhyme,
Beauty and the beast.

Tale as old as time,
Song as old as rhyme,
Beauty and the beast.

Tale as Old as Time ― Alan Menken and Howard Elliott Ashman.

Yes, I know this is far too many swear words for everyone in Arda, never mind the Elves! But that’s okay! I have writings the Ardan Elves would hate even more than this one. Writings in which their histories, including stories of the Valar, are either a bunch of comforting lies, bitter-biting comedies, and / or there’s Black Speech in them because I call two of my friends that language’s word for All Fools for funsies. Those two friends always love whatever people they consider the most warrior-like culture. Thankfully, I have steered them away from that less wise and more decision. I’ve even managed to steer them away from considering Dwarves the most warrior-like culture in all of Arda. They’re not happy with it, but that’s okay. As their leader, they’re following my orders whether they like it or not!

A video that explains consent in terms of tea.

Long story short: if you wouldn’t force a cup of tea down someone’s throat, don’t force sex down their throats either! Literally or figuratively. Love and consummation get complicated fast in galaxies far, far away. Here’s a guide for people in such galaxies. Elves may allegedly not be lusty little losers, but other peoples are!

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