Reasons Eru Sucks

Context for Middle Earth non-nerds, Eru Ilúvatar is basically the Elves’ Christian God the Father. He created their world, Arda, as well as the Elves and the Humans.

“So, HFE, why don’t you write an essay yelling at Christian God the Father?”

Well, first of all, that would involve cracking open a Bible, which I prefer to do as little as possible these days. Secondly, Eru’s basically the same guy, except he has a name to yell at. Thirdly, how many people are yelling at Eru Ilúvatar? That’s unique! Let’s yell at fictional gods instead! Except Bast. Of course, I love her! Wakandans worship her for being their mom, I worship her for being a cat! Cats are awesome! And cats do not appreciate being yelled at. And most importantly to me, cats are as sociable or as asociable as they please.

Fair warning, suicidal ideation, as well as other mental health issues, is mentioned in the context of one of the effects of solitary confinement.

  1. Decided consummation was not only the most important part of a marriage ceremony, it’s also the one and only way to bind souls together. Fuck consummation! The most important parts of any relationship, romantic or otherwise, is love and dedication and doing your genuine best. If you don’t want to consummate the marriage, just hide out in your bedroom for a week, and everybody will assume you made mischief. Nobody will know if you don’t tell them! You all need to remember what happened to Finwë and Míriel. Míriel freakin’ left her body because of how agonizing childbirth was for her. And then Fëanor developed so many mommy issues over this that he became an angry little boy who hoarded those stupid star tree balls, made his kids swear an oath and slay their kin to get them back, burned his second-youngest son Amrod alive because he feared Amrod wanted to go back to his mom, and then Morgoth ended up with one anyway. Fëanor rejected all her names for those twins. We’re rejecting his name for the Silmarils. They’re Star Tree Balls now! None of this truly matters. Fëanor’s dead anyway, and the Star Tree Balls are no longer able to be possessed by anybody. I know he worked hard on those things, but didn’t he work hard on his family too? He was so obsessed with his work that he forgot what his ultimate treasures should’ve been: his family. Middle-Earth Elves may be immortal, but they’re not invulnerable. Bend, break, steal, and adapt whatever it takes―including oaths and people―if that’s what it takes to keep yourself safe! Just because someone’s your kin doesn’t mean they’ve got your best interest at heart. Celegorm’s splendidly-trained servants dragged his uncles, Eluréd and Elurín, out into the woods where they died of starvation. Maedros did his best to find them, but his brothers were out of control well before that point. Who cares if they were magically compelled to hunt down the Star Tree Balls or not, those things are staying wherever the hell they are to keep Fëanor’s kids safe from themselves! And if you think this is just limited to Fëanor, don’t forget about Maeglin! His dad trapped his mom in his woods and their marriage. Eventually, Maeglin and Aredhel got outta there―temporarily. Eöl was so obsessed with getting them back that he murdered Aredhel over this. And Maeglin eventually revealed the location of Gondolin over some vague threats and a promise that Morgoth would let him have his cousin Idris and the city. Hey, Salgant! Why didn’t you teach that kid better deception skills? Aren’t you the ultimate deceiver around here? Fuck you, bitch! No wonder your house betrayed you! You’re terrible at the one thing you’re known for! I might be a Bundushathûr, but I’ve got my priorities straight culturally. Sometimes, you need to break rank; sometimes, you need to follow orders; sometimes, you need to call for backup; and sometimes, all you can do in battle is escape. And I’m escaping the hell that is yelling at all the Elves described in this paragraph! We’re here to yell at Eru: the worst Ardan dad ever!
  2. Left Melkor floating around in the Void for god knows how long, alone with his thoughts without any stimulation at all. I’m the authority of wanting to float around in the Void, alone with my thoughts, and even I can’t do that forever! At least give him some cats or books or something. Solitary confinement causes just about every psychological issue you can name: anxiety, depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation, migraines, sensory overload, etc. And that’s when it’s done for just 15 days. Prolonged solitary confinement sabotages the victim’s future chances of succeeding at non-solitary life. They startle easily, avoid crowds; and start preferring smaller, contained environments because public, open spaces (and all the stimulation that entails) overwhelm them. He might be a god, but he still has needs. Jesus Christ!
  3. Told Melkor to stop playing the music he demanded Melkor and all the other gods sing for him. Fuck Eru! If he hates Melkor’s music so much, just wait ’til he hears mine! My music’s even more discordant than his!
  4. Made Aulë abuse his kids! The Dwarves have every right to fear the Elves. Eru made Aulë act as if to kill them. He was taking forever to get the Elves and the Humans ready. Aulë was tired of waiting for Eru’s perfectionist bullshit. Aulë had knowledge he wanted to share, he wanted some students to share it with. He even made a whole new language just for them! Someone who can do all that is awesome! Let’s go meet that guy!!!
  5. Didn’t create anybody to tell the Elves to leave the Dwarves the fuck alone. Review point four. Of course they fucking hate you! Elves prefer Champions of Beauty and flowery niceties. Dwarves prefer Champions of Tough and more direct language. Treat every conversation with a Dwarf like a battle. Get to the goddamn point! They’re gonna die of old age and / or boredom from listening to your vapid conversations! Elves are immortal, Dwarves aren’t! They got things to do and caves to hew! They gotta enjoy life while they can, for tomorrow, they may die. Or balrogs or dragons might kick them out of their house. Elves are aristocats, Dwarves are wild cats; the problem is, Dwarves are always losing their dens! See how socially graceful you are after a bunch of monsters trash your home and burn your people alive! And then refuse to help them at all―including their children. Fuck you, Elves! I heard y’all were honorable. That’s not very honorable at all. Your daddy broke this home, why don’t you try fixing it? The sins of the parents aren’t necessarily the sins of the children, but you’re not acting any better than him. Why don’t you try taking the first step for once? One of you, Haldir of Lothlórien, is gonna make a Dwarf go through the forest blindfolded. One of his companions will have just died, and on top of that, that Dwarf will be going into a forest full of people who hate him and his people for no other reason than their daddy told them to. That’s a stupid reason to hate a whole group of people. If you’re truly the wiser, learned ones around here, why haven’t you learned any better than this nonsense? It’s been like a billion years! I’m tired of being a Champion of Clever, I’m here to be a Champion of Cute―that’s it! “Oh but what about our trees? Won’t they be corrupted???” No they fucking won’t! My god! Those aren’t just anybody’s trees, they’re Lady Galadriel’s trees! And Lady Galadriel’s quite adamant that her trees are not so easily corrupted. “But what if that Dwarf tells everyone how the forest path goes?” The forest path changes all the time! And Dwarves speak the most secret language ever! He’ll keep your stupid paths a secret too. That particular Dwarf will be so enchanted by Lady Galadriel that all he’ll ask for is a lock of her hair. It might not be very practical, but whatever, he’s gotta travel lightly. Another of his companions is gonna die shortly after that, two more will break off on their own because one of them thinks he has to go it alone, and another pair will be captured by Orcs. That Dwarf and his two remaining companions will need to run for their lives! Forget about Dwarven eyes, the most corrupt thing in Lórien is Haldir’s stupid, racist heart! Maybe he should go through Erebor blindfolded, see how humiliating it is! Bring his brothers too! They don’t speak any Common at all, and the Dwarves definitely don’t speak Elvish. Unless you want me teaching them how to speak Common, I highly suggest you find someone who gives a damn about legitimate social sensibilities to do it instead.
  6. Left his kids asleep on a beach without anybody to watch over them or any way for them to call for backup if something happened to them. That makes them even easier to catch! No wonder the Orcs became enslaved! Eru shouldn’t have needed to be a god for that, he just needed thoughts in his head!
  7. Decided that the Orcs were too corrupted to be worthy of any afterlife and their immortality. Eru may not give a damn about their souls, but I do! If he can make a seperate Hall of Mandos for the Dwarves, he can make a seperate Hall of Mandos for the Orcs and their puppies! Free Elf souls are the most connected to this world. Enslaved Elf souls are the least connected to this world. They’re enslaved―to Morgoth, no less! They don’t have anything to live for, of course that’s all they know is warfare. Besides, it’s Eru’s fault they were enslaved to begin with. He forgot to create a babysitting god!

Forget about politics, there are no politics around here, just bad parenting. If Lord Celeborn did any single one of these things to Lady Celebrían, Lady Galadriel would send him to the Halls of Mandos! Eru needs to learn to be a dad again from Lady Galadriel! Her mother named her “Nerwen”. That means “man-maiden”. Does that means she’s a maiden and a man? The trees of Lothlórien say that’s something to celebrate! Trees are man-maidens too! Trees can both contribute seeds and can be pollinated.

What powers does Lord Celeborn have that would impress trees of Lothlórien? …His father-name means “silver tree”? What!? He is not a tree!!! Forget about Melkor and Salgant, Lord Celeborn’s the ultimate deceiver around here! This is why the trees of Lothlórien prefer Lady Galadriel over Lord Celeborn. As a “noble woman”, it’s not in her nature to tell lies. Especially silly lies like pretending to be a tree. Why would you lie about being a tree??? Elves are silly!

King Oropher, King Gil-Galad, King Thranduil, and Prince Legolas are lying too! Their names mean “tall beech-tree”, “star of radiance”, “vigorous spring”, and “green leaf”; respectively! None of them are what they say they are either!

…What do you mean we’re taking things too literally? Does nobody understand how this world is supposed to work?! There’s a lot of power in a name here! Well, while you are deceiving us, we are very honored that you seek the power to be trees, leaves, stars, and springs.

The trees of Lothlórien are very silly trees. Lord Celeborn doesn’t care if they favor Lady Galadriel over him, they’re his trees too whether they like it or not! Besides, he favors Lady Galadriel too! They’re just like him just by being themselves!

Now what powers does Lady Celebrían have that would impress the trees of Lothlórien? Her name means “silver queen”, what exactly is she the queen of? If she’s a queen, isn’t that what you ought to be calling her??? Why are you merely calling her “lady”?

The ways of people are complicated and confusing! If you truly seek our power, study our ways. We’re silly, and we’re allowed to be! Elves keep us safe.

Ooh, who’s this guy Maglor? Fëanor gave him the power to command Finwë…? What did Fëanor want his son to command his father to do? Fëanor is a very silly boy! This is why Maglor’s better known by his mother-name. His mother gave him a power that makes sense! Nerdanel gave him the power to cleave gold! That’s an awesome power to have! Fëanor needs to stop rejecting Nerdanel’s names for their youngest sons. She’s better at coming up with names, and everybody knows it! Except the man who freakin’ married her, for whatever reason… Fëanor needs to relearn how to be husband before he relearns how to be a father! From Mary Poppins! And Bert! He’s basically acting just like George Banks. He also dominated his entire household, especially his wife. He, too, was so obsessed with his work that he forgot that his true treasures should’ve been his family. But George Banks shaped up eventually, perhaps Fëanor can shape up too! And if he doesn’t, all anybody has to do is kill him again, and then he’s back in the Halls of Mandos!

{George:} A man has dreams of walking with giants.

To carve his niche in the edifice of time.

Before the mortar of his zeal

Has a chance to congeal.

The cup is dashed from his lips.

The flame is snuffed aborning.

He’s brought to rack and ruin in his prime.

{Bert:} Life’s a rum go, guv’nor, and that’s the truth.

{George:} You know what I think? It’s that woman, Mary Poppins!

From the moment she stepped into this house

Things began to happen to me!

{Bert:} Mary Poppins?

{George:} Yes, yes, of course!

My world was calm, well ordered…

Exemplary.

Then came this person

With chaos in her wake.

And now my life’s ambitions go

With one fell blow.

It’s quite a bitter pill

To take.

It’s that Poppins woman, she did it!

{Bert} I know the very person you mean—Mary Poppins!

She’s the one what sings:

A spoonful of sugar

That is all it takes.

It changes bread and water into

Tea and cakes.

{George:} See, that’s exactly what I mean!

Changing bread and water into tea and cakes, indeed.

No wonder everything’s higgledy-piggledy here!

{Bert:} A spoonful of sugar

Goes a long, long way.

‘Ave yourself a healthy helpin’

Every day.

{George:} An ‘ealthy helpin’ of trouble if you ask me.

Do you know what she did? I realize it now.

She tricked me into taking Jane and Michael to the bank.

That’s how all the trouble started!

{Bert:} Tricked you into taking the children on an outing?

{George:} Yes.

{Bert:} Outrageous! A man with all the important things you have to do

Shameful!

You’re a man of high position

Esteemed by your peers.

And when your little tykes are cryin’

You haven’t time to dry their tears.

And see them grateful little faces

Smilin’ up at you.

Because their dad

He always knows

Just what to do.

Like you say, guv’nor…

You’ve got to grind, grind, grind

At that grindstone.

Though childhood slips

Like sand

Through a sieve.

And all too soon

They’ve up and grown.

And then they’ve flown.

And it’s too late for you to give.

Just that spoonful of sugar

To ‘elp the medicine go down.

The medicine go down.

Medicine go down.

Well, goodbye, guv’nor, sorry to have troubled you.

Richard M. Sherman & Robert B. Sherman, A Man Has Dreams.

Early each day to the steps of Saint Paul’s

The little old bird woman comes.

In her own special way to the people

She calls, “Come, buy my bags full of crumbs”.

“Come feed the little birds, show them you care

And you’ll be glad if you do.

Their young ones are hungry, their nests are so bare.

All it takes is tuppence from you.”

“Feed the birds, tuppence a bag.

Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag.

Feed the birds”, that’s what she cries

While overhead, her birds fill the skies.

All around the cathedral, the saints and apostles

Look down as she sells her wares.

Although you can’t see it, you know they are smiling

Each time someone shows that he cares.

Though her words are simple and few

“Listen, listen”, she’s calling to you.

“Feed the birds, tuppence a bag.

Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag.”

Though her words are simple and few.

“Listen, listen”, she’s calling to you.

“Feed the birds, tuppence a bag.

Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag.”

Richard M. Sherman & Robert B. Sherman, Feed the Birds (Tuppence a Bag).

We’re clearly soldiers in petticoats

And dauntless crusaders for woman’s votes.

Though we adore men individually

We agree that as a group they’re rather stupid!

Cast off the shackles of yesterday!

Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!

Our daughters’ daughters will adore us

And they’ll sing in grateful chorus

“Well done, Sister Suffragette!”

From Kensington to Billingsgate

One hears the restless cries!

From ev’ry corner of the land:

“Womankind, arise!”

Political equality and equal rights with men!

Take heart! For Missus Pankhurst has been clapped in irons again!

No more the meek and mild subservients we!

We’re fighting for our rights, militantly!

Never you fear!

So, cast off the shackles of yesterday!

Shoulder to shoulder into the fray!

Our daughters’ daughters will adore us.

And they’ll sing in grateful chorus

“Well done! Well done!

Well done Sister Suffragette!”

Richard M. Sherman & Robert B. Sherman, Sister Suffragette.

This song goes before the other two, but I figured Fëanor would be more receptive if he heard the previous two songs first. If anyone’s wondering, in the historical context in which the story takes place, tuppence is pocket change.

Last but not least, the grand finale: Let’s Go Fly a Kite!!!

With tuppence for paper and strings

You can have your own set of wings.

With your feet on the ground

You’re a bird in a flight.

With your fist holding tight

To the string of your kite.

Oh, oh, oh!

Let’s go fly a kite.

Up to the highest height!

Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring.

Up through the atmosphere.

Up where the air is clear.

Oh, let’s go fly a kite!

When you send it flyin’ up there

All at once you’re lighter than air.

You can dance on the breeze

Over ‘ouses and trees.

With your first ‘olding tight

To the string of your kite.

Oh, oh, oh!

Let’s go fly a kite.

Up to the highest height!

Let’s go fly a kite and send it soaring.

Up through the atmosphere.

Up where the air is clear.

Let’s go fly a kite!

Richard M. Sherman & Robert B. Sherman.

Just to drive the point home, we’re giving you a bonus track from The Muppets Christmas Carol since it’s relevant to the topic at hand: It Feels Like Christmas. For context, Christmas is a major winter holiday about giving gifts to loved ones. Some people get a little too focused on the receiving of gifts. On the flipside, some people focus so hard on giving gifts to the point that they forget to reward themselves―even for small things such as remembering to eat three meals a day.

It’s in the singing of the street corner choir.

It’s going home and getting warm by the fire.

It’s true where ever you find love it feels like Christmas.

A cup of kindness that we share with another.

A sweet reunion with a friend or a brother.

In all the places you find love, it feels like Christmas.

It is the season of the heart

A special time of caring

The ways of love made clear.

And it is the season of the spirit

The message if we hear it

Is make it last all year.

It’s in the giving of a gift to another.

A pair of mittens that were made by your mother.

It’s all the ways that we show love

That feel like Christmas.

A childhood that we’ll always remember.

It’s the Summer of the soul in December.

Yes, when you do your best for love

It feels like Christmas.

It is the season of the heart

A special time of caring

The ways of love made clear.

It is the season of the spirit.

The message if we hear it

Is make it last all year.

It’s in the singing of a street corner choir.

It’s going home and getting warm by the fire.

It’s true where ever you find love

It feels like Christmas.

Paul Williams.

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