Peace Offerings

We are very Adamant about respecting the local gods around here! They put a lot of hard work into building this world. We are stubbornly refusing to unravel all of it.

We’re sending an Impish-natured Delcatty to Vairë: the fate-weaving goddess. Delcatties are known as the Prim Pokémon. It may be mischievous, but it will leave Vairë’s tapestries alone. It’s bringing her the yarn I’m not using at the moment. I’m sure she’ll enjoy some brighter colors to work with. There’s rainbows, auroras, trans pride yarn―amongst others.

We’re sending a Relaxed-natured Skitty to Yavanna, a Jolly-natured one to Nessa, a Lonely-natured one for Nerdanel (we know she’s not a goddess, but since her idiot husband refused to worship her properly, we will!), a Gentle-natured one to Estë, and a Hardy-natured one to Mahal. He made his people Hardy for a reason. They can take the doom of Khazad-dûm, and the sacking of Erebor. Those poor people…

We’re sending five Skitties and a Delcatty to Nienna. She’s sad all the time. She’s literally called the Weeper! Let’s liven up her life with some very cute, very cuddly kitties! The Delcatty is carrying a copy of Mahal and Eru for the Innocents. One Skitty is carrying The Wrath of Mother Nature; three more Skitties are carrying Advanced Genders 101, 102, and 103; and the last one is carrying Let’s Go, Mírieliel!

The Skitties and Delcatties can use Sing, Rest, Disarming Voice, and Feint Attack. Sing fails roughly half the time, but when it works, it makes the target fall asleep. Rest makes the user sleep for two hours (for most spells with multi-turn effects, we’ve interpreted a “turn” as lasting one minute. We’re interpreting “two turns” as lasting two hours just for this one. There’s a lot to translate just with Pokémon). What Disarming Voice is a ranged, Fairy-type attack (which means it deals more damage to Dark-type entities) that ignores accuracy and evasion alterations. Cats have pretty disarming voices even without magic, don’t you agree? Feint Attack is a Dark-type attack that never misses. Pokémon Dark-type attacks deal more damage to Ghost-type and Psychic-type entities.

If Oromë even dares hunt down these very cute, very cuddly kitties; offensive contact causes infatuation!

We’re sending him a Hasty-natured Poochyena. While it will bow out of respect to him, it wants to play Vána more! It can use Bite, a Dark type move that occasionally causes flinching; Howl, which slightly raises its physical attack; Play Rough, a Fairy-type attack; and Roar, which causes enemies to flee. Oromë has plenty of magical dogs, Vána should have one too! This is a very playful, very loyal puppy.

If Oromë truly does want yet another magical dog, he gets a Mightyena! It’s a grown-up Poochyena. It has all the Poochyena moves, but instead of Bite, it knows Crunch (Bite, but better). Otherwise, this Mightyena may go with Mahal instead. It has a Careful nature because you need to be careful out in the wild. Anything can happen to you out there. You need to not hone in so hard on a target. You need to mind your surroundings. And also not get overwhelmed by your surroundings! I do truly apologize to that poor man. We’ve found even more reasons to be upset at him besides making a brand new people! (The Skitty and the Mightyena will get along just fine). Poochyenas can Run Away from anything, whereas Mightyenas have a special ability called Intimidate that slightly lowers the opponent’s physical attack.

Would Yavanna mind guiding these animals to their intended destinations please? Of course they don’t know where they’re going!

We’re also sending Námo a Lonely-natured Poochyena for his troubles. There’s a better doom to lay on Finwë and his accursed kin: they may be reembodied in Valinor once they get through Reasons Eru Sucks, Ardan Elven Marriages are Garbage, Ardan Elven Sensibilities, and Ardan Dwarven Sensibilities! And they have to read these essays out loud, to Námo!

Keep in mind that this is the cleaned up version of Reasons Eru Sucks.

And no, I am not editing them further for delicate Ardan Elven sensibilities. You brats made a lot of orphans in your quest to reclaim those stupid Star Tree Balls. You can take it! You’ve all lost your reputations anyway. What more do you have to lose?

Irmo! If there’s any way we can get Míriel in here, she deserves to hear this, don’t you think?

Irmo and Míriel get a Calm-natured Poochyena and a Mild-natured Skitty, respectively, for their troubles.

Finally, Eru, a father-god who actually has a name to yell at, gets a Serious-natured Poochyena. It’s here to 1) explain to him that I know who’s responsible enough to be here. Outside of foul language, my friends behave themselves fairly well, they’re just from other worlds and / or abused. Trust me, you do not want most of the Redanian Elves here. You think Fëanor and his kin-slaying brats are bad? At least they had a goal in mind, my Elves conquered damn near an entire continent because they were bored!

We’re representing them as Pokémon here because it’s easier to have a structure to go off of―and a lot them started out as Pokémon anyway. And Pokémon magic can’t actually kill anything, therefore, anyone involved in any stupid fights they start will be just fine. We’ll switch over to more destructive magic once we all settle down.

2) It’s lonely at the top. Now, how do we send a puppy to the Timeless Halls? Give it to Gandalf / Mithrandir / Olórin in the meantime. He’ll meet his maker eventually. As the wise Maiar that he is, he will know that someone else needs it more presently: Bilbo Baggins, a domestic cat who will be expected to go on an adventure with a bunch rude-ass Dwarves! This Poochyena will be bearing two copies of Ardan Dwarven Sensibilities. One for him to read now, and one to remain sealed until Thorin Oakenshield finally shows up!

The rest of the Valar may choose between a Vaporeon (swimming foxes―”swimming foxes!?” Yes, I know, Pokémon are weird!―who heal when hit with watery attacks), a Flareon (warm foxes who power up when hit with fiery attacks), a Jolteon (speedy foxes who heal when hit with lightning attacks), an Eevee (fluffy foxes who can run away from anything), a Skitty, or a Poochyena.

The Eevees know Swift (ranged, flurry of stars that never miss), Bite, and Rest.

The Vaporeons know Aqua Jet (a watery charge that always strikes first), Bite, and Rest.

The Jolteons know Thunder Fang (may cause flinching or temporary paralysis), Bite, and Rest.

The Flareons know Fire Fang (may cause flinching or burns), Bite, and Rest.

Care for these magical animals goes thusly: while they can still eat regular cat, dog, and fox things; they do not need to.

If anyone more deserving―besides Lord Glorfindel, who must wait until 1600 SA for his well-deserved Maiar powers―would like to be reembodied, all they have to do is read aloud Principles of War.

“Alright, how bad could that possibly be?” you Naive-natured fools ask.

Now, if Mandos gets tired of listening to these silly essays over and over again, he may instead choose to set his magical puppy against whoever seeks re-embodiment. Dark type magic deals more damage against ghost and psychic-type Pokémon. And since his place is where all the ghost-type people go…

Normally, Poochyena become Mightyena at level 18. If you do not wish for it to become a Mightyena, it will respond to your will and stay a Poochyena. Getting through just Fëanor alone will more than cover it.

If you wish for a Mightyena, Bite will be replaced with Crunch.

If it grows into a Mightyena, but you miss its cuter Poochyena form, it will play by Digimon-inspired rules; in which it is a Poochyena outside of combat, but it will become a Mightyena when it’s fighting something.

Any children, who most certainly do not deserve this nonsense, send them along to Yavanna, where they may select between a Skitty, an Eevee, or a Poochyena. And then they may proceed to Finarfin and Eärwen’s house. They will know which Elves to call in to help give these kids a new lease on life. Nerdanel has her own brats to deal with―including her husband! Assuming she wants to deal with him ever again. Good luck, old man. Well, if she doesn’t want you, you can always hang out at your old man’s place. You were always a daddy’s boy and you know it!

Many healing hands make light work. Teamwork makes the dream work! Let’s all work together to at least get the kids outta there, if nothing else. Námo proclaimed the Doom of Mandos for a reason.

Seeing as Yavanna was the one Fëanor refused to give those balls back to, he and his kin-slaying brats may only receive a magical animal friend once Nerdanel decides they’re responsible enough! And even then, Yavanna is allowed to decide, “No!”

And if Yavanna needs a break from the kids, Vána, and perhaps even Nessa, will absolutely love to help out with this task. All the Ardan gods are important! (Even if I can’t name all of you off the top of my head because there’s a lot of you, and I didn’t grow up around here. Give me a break!)

They may be gods, but they still have needs!

Always have a backup plan in case your workers gets tired. And you absolutely do not want me to be the backup plan in case Námo gets tired! I laugh through everything! The only thing I’m judgy about is bad parenting―and even then! I’ll root out the reason, if there is one, behind that bad parenting too!

All his Poochyena has to do is bark or Roar at them, and they’ll get the message.

Normally, Pokémon with trainers only listen to their original trainer unless the new trainer has enough gym badges―or if it’s a gift Pokémon, as opposed to a trade. We are ditching that rule. Whoever’s taking care of the Pokémon is the one it will listen to.

And Nerdanel’s Skitty will definitely not be listening to Fëanor and the rest of those kin-slaying brats! As its original trainer, it refuse to change its name, even if Fëanor wants to give it one! Ha! Full blood or no blood! None of this half-sibling / step-sibling nonsense! And most certainly no adopting anything!

Wow. Maglor truly is the worst son of Fëanor. He adopted two things! I can’t believe him! He needs to learn how to be a Fëanorion again from his brother Celegorm: the Fëanorion who did anything it took to slay as much kin as possible! Including dragging their uncles out into the woods where they died of starvation*. Fëanor should appreciate that boy more. He did exactly what his daddy told him to!

Be careful what you wish for, Fëanor.


Anyone who selects an Eevee, be aware it will become a Jolteon, Flareon, or Vaporeon if it comes into contact with an emerald, ruby, or sapphire, respectively; and Skitties will become Delcatties when they come into contact with a moonstone. However, like we said, if you prefer their cuter forms, they shall return to those cuter forms outside of battle.

Additionally, if your Eevee takes on a form you do not want it to be, all you have to do is wait until it returns to its Eevee form, and then you can give it another gem instead.

While there are more things that Eevees can become, we are starting with the first three grownup forms they had.

*Technically, it was his servants who did the deed, but fuck that bullshit. The wrath of the Valar falleth on all who follow the House of Fëanor. I’m just studying them to feel better about myself.


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