Fate, as generated by selecting Fatum cards. No offense to whoever designed the Cosmic Horror card. It’s a great design, it’s just not my aesthetic.

Fate Cards (Dark Myths). If you want to defy fate, you need to be ruled by wisdom and action. Some fates ought not to be defied. Some fates are intertwined. “Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.” Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

Character: Resolute (reverse, Timorous). We are very resolute in delivering these messages. Don’t shoot the messenger, okay!? * Lady Celebrían’s going to be mortally wounded in the Redhorn Pass in TA 2509. We delegate her defense to anyone in Lothlórien or Imladris. * Thranduil’s elk is going to die in what’s known as the Battle of the Five Armies. (Thorin Idiotshield and his company will be rolling into town, you can’t miss ’em). As far as I can tell, that’s the only friend Thranduil has! We need to keep his horsey-friend alive!!! * Boromir’s gonna die a bit outside Lothlórien in TA 3019 protecting two Hobbits named Merry and Pippin. The reason they ran off is because Boromir became corrupted by that stupid ring. Leadership is not a divine right, it is something to be earned! (If Aragorn would like to practice ruling things in the meantime, Bard the Dragon-Slayer would absolutely be thrilled to have some backup. He’s got his own people and his children, only two of whom are truly independent enough to keep an eye on themselves, as well as himself―to worry about. He’s going from being a working class man to being a community leader, that’s not an easy transition to make). * Lastly, Haldir of Lothlórien, who is a good Marchwarden, but a terrible greeter, will die helping defend Helm’s Deep in TA 3019 in the dark, dreadful rain. (Or we can just go by the books, in which nobody from Lothlórien goes out into that battle. His brothers would definitely prefer that version of events, even if they can’t read said books because they don’t understand Common… How many people even learn to read around here??? The remaining members of that stupid fellowship will be just fine, including Legolas and―assuming Thranduil delivers a better message this time around―Captain Tauriel). If nobody else in that stupid kingdom wants her, I do! Always respect the healers!!! This is why everyone calls the Woodland Realmers less wise and more dangerous. They are dangerously throwing away the coolest Elf ever!

Origins: Isle (reverse, Ship). Imagine if you can, a version of Lady Galadriel who was as sheltered as Maeglin, never really allowed to travel at all, and also put in charge of babysitting Caranthir and Maglor. Without being taught how to ask their neighbors (or which neighbors) for help when Caranthir inevitably got out of control―sometimes for reasons as cosmically insignificant as winning a game “wrong”. Why are you upset!? You won! Be happy for once in your life!!! None of them had a yard to play in until Lady Galadriel was well into adolescence by the way. Their parents chose to get all their parenting skills, financial advice, and scientific knowledge from a 400-year-old book and their religious authorities instead of actually caring about their children or learning anything new. And that’s just the parents and siblings. The cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents were even worse! Now, on top of all this, that family was obsessed with socializing and their stupid holiday plans, even amidst a pandemic. When they finally caught that stupid bug, they were all too stupid to die, including the mom, who quite rightly should’ve died considering her extensive medical history―including major heart problems that nearly killed her in previous, recent years. You would think this family would’ve been more careful, at least for her sake, but no. That mom dismissed it as “just the flu”. She was always sick all the time, of course she thought it was “just the flu”! Idiot! Sometimes, people don’t receive any consequences for their actions. That is the ultimate tragedy. That family, including that mom, doesn’t deserve this mind wasting time worrying about them. “In life you must write your own story, or one will be written for you.” ― A.J. Garces, illustrator.

Background: Dark Spirit. Even just a single swear word is considered too spicy for everybody here. (Scandalous language is the best language to use if you need to get people’s attention.) We need to use that power wisely. The Dwarves need someone who respects their culture, and to learn how to respect the host. The Elves need someone who disrespects their ways, and to learn how to respect the guest. I delegate the non-Common-speaking to Piko. Languages are really hard to learn unless you grew up with them, and I definitely didn’t grow up around here. If my ex-family gets to be stupid, so do I! Let’s stupidly start the biggest cat fight Arda’s ever seen: me vs Morgoth! He thinks he’s a monster master? Even my balrogs are cuter than his! And my balrogs do more than just fight! “Any warrior knew that death by slow poisoning was worse than death by the blade.” ― M.L. Wang, The Sword of Kaigan.

Important Bond: Shadow Person. He wants anyone who cares about him to figure out how his brain works by listening to him. No. I’m just going to tell them. His brain does not work like an Ardan Elf’s. First of all, he has to keep specifying Ardan Elf, that’s a pretty big clue already. The reason he’s afraid of the Elves is because he’s worried they’ll try to turn him into something he’s not: socially graceful. It’s hard to come up with flowery language on the fly, especially if you grew up in a world that doesn’t really do that. And why would he want to be sociable after how he grew up? The reason he’s obsessed with Maglor is because normally, he is calm and even-tempered like him. He’s just overworked at the moment, physically and emotionally. And just like Maglor, his family was a complete disaster! He knows you’re not supposed to be playing with magic and monsters, but let him play with magic and monsters. He needs as much magic as possible to survive the physical landscape, never mind the political one. Even just with Pokémon alone, he can see, fight, befriend, and communicate with ghosts. Add in the Dovahkiin, and he can turn anyone, living, dead, and undead into fuel. Black soul gems capture people, white soul gems capture animals. That’s what they do in Skyrim, guess what they do here? Pokémon magic is all he needs―for now. That’s the magic he understands best. And unlike children from this world, Pokémon can fight, with magic, from birth. His dark type magic’s really useful. It’s powerful against ghost and psychic type monsters. And Baddy Bad sets up defense against physical attacks for five minutes. I’ve been always a shapeshifter anyway. I’ve been a cat, a wolf, a dragon, a demon… He may play for Team Dark, but his favorite theme song is Team Rose’s. And Lord Glorfindel will definitely be able to tell the difference between literal balrogs and metaphorical balrogs. Stop worrying about everything! Let’s take Lord Glorfindel on a real adventure: keeping this guy safe from himself! I dare you to try teaching him how to play chess. He’s a night owl, too. He’s going to wake up randomly in the middle of the night and wander around the house. He needs the boring game possible: “Harnor! Use Rest right now!!!” I’m what he considers his conscious, by the way. I’m his original older brother. Sometimes the voices inside your head are better than the voices you hear outside your head, and trust me, I’m a better voice than he ever heard outside his head. There’s two Pokemon in charge of time travel. He needs someone who can keep track of what events have already passed and which events have yet to come. He may be more inclined to trust men, but ultimately, he understands that women and children are the ones who get abused most. He really does need to Dare to Be Stupid. If you wouldn’t expect Chu to understand all your customs, don’t expect him to either. “The general who is skilled in defense hides in the most secret recesses of the earth; he who is skilled in attack flashes forth from the topmost heights of heaven.” – Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

Important Bond: Kouhai (younger student, as opposed to “Sempai” older student). He keeps switching between Kohai and Sempai. He’s bringing both. Chu’s the Kohai, Piko’s the Sempai. We’ve already taught Chu the difference between Elves and Men and Dwarves. Elves have pointy ears, Men and Dwarves have round ears. Now we need to teach Chu the difference between Dwarves and Men. Both of them have round ears. Generally, Dwarves are shorter and stouter than Men, but pretty much anyone from Durin’s line throws that out the window. “Just say Dwarves are the longest-bearded, longest-haired people!” “What about the Wizards?” “We’ll worry about them later―once they’re actually here!” We also need to teach Chu that people aren’t going to be taking turns in combat. (Some spells have effects that last multiple turns. We’ve interpreted a “turn” as lasting one minute. For example, this means that Piko’s Rain Dance will make it rain, literally, for five minutes even without adding in a Damp Rock, which makes the effects of Rain Dance last longer. The one exception we’ve made is for Rest. That will keep the user asleep for two hours). And that yes, the people here do technically become ghost types, but this world’s ghosts aren’t allowed to wander around freely. And that the wargs will definitely not be joining our rescue team! “There’s an even simpler reason why we can’t ‘play’ with the Dwarves… None of them know how to talk to animals! Except crows.” “Why only crows?” “Exactly, Chu.” Forget about me, I’m giving Cute Charm to Chu. Everybody better think he’s very charming, or I’m sending the best Balrogs I’ve got to trash their place: Pixxy Fire Fist, Lucky, and Lockdown!!! (No offense to Shadow, but I can’t just send him anywhere. I need him to stay with me). “When the general is weak and without authority; when his orders are not clear and distinct; when there are no fixed duties assigned to officers and men, and the ranks are formed in a slovenly haphazard manner, the result is utter disorganization.” – Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

Mark of the Past: Stepping into the Darkness (reverse, Following the Light). He knows there’s no real place for him in this world. Traditions never kept him safe, darkness did. By the standards of the religion his original family followed, “falling to the dark side” means being compassionate for all and embracing them exactly as they are. There are limits to this. If you abuse others, you’re through! He should just be honest. It’s easier hanging out in Arda than in Redania (the world he’s trying to build). There’s a lot of hard work that goes into building a world, and this world’s already built. It was built on being perfect, stubbornly traditional, and obsessing over warfare and literal treasure to the point that you forget what you should actually be treasuring: your family. If Bard the Dragon-Slayer wants his family’s honor back, perhaps a better way to restore it would be by evacuating all non-combatants into the Elvenking’s Halls instead. That greedy man they call Master, as well as his like-minded stooge are never going to do it. “In any conflict there are always three sides; two opposing and the innocent who are caught in the middle.” ― A.J. Garces, illustrator.

Impetus: Rescue Mission. Our pen-ultimate goal is to sail to Valinor in order to hero-worship Nerdanel: a mom who wasn’t respected by her husband even though she was better than him at every turn, especially at coming up with names! Lady Galadriel has plenty of worshipers already. Let’s go worship Nerdanel!!! In the meantime, let’s hero-worship Lady Galadriel by keeping her baby alive―without Lady Celebrían becoming mortally wounded! There! We can hero-worship both moms at once! Two moms in one stone! If you don’t trust the royal family, trust the healers. Oh look, the healers are a royal family too! “Harnor, I know your name as my child.” (Mando’a adoption vows).

Fate Cards (Standard Set). I’ve learned all I can from Fëanor: never hang out with your brothers. But unlike him, I had legit reasons for avoiding mine, as well as the rest of my family, all the time. They were garbage! (I need to remember that everything is pretty binary around here: the women are wiser than the men. This boy’s staying home with Mommy! Lord Glorfindel doesn’t have a mommy to stay home with!) ~ Mother’s right here, Mother will protect you. / Darling, here’s what I suggest. / Skip the drama, stay with mama. / Mother knows best! Mother Knows Best ― composer Alan Menken, lyrics by Glenn Slater. This is sung by the villain: a woman who kidnapped a magical baby in order to take advantage of the baby’s youth-preserving powers. But these lyrics are nice enough on their own, don’t you think? The rest of them are dedicated to insulting her heavily sheltered child for being heavily sheltered and ill-suited for surviving in the wild. Well, ma’am, that’s how you raised her! Not every single mom is automatically safe, but Lady Galadriel and Lady Celebrían definitely are. “Knowing the place and the time of the coming battle, we may concentrate from the greatest distances in order to fight.” – Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

Character: Cleric (healing knights who are chosen by a god). This god chose himself! To heal the Elves of their terrible babysitting skills! The reason I call Ardan Elves “Champions of Beauty” in Reasons Eru Sucks is because, like it or not; beauty, poise, and presentation are part of social graces. People respond better to aesthetically pleasing people (whatever that means to them) than to aesthetically unpleasing people (whatever that means to them). Ardan Dwarves aren’t ugly, they just have different aesthetics!!! I have never given a damn about how I present myself. Besides, I have more important things to worry about: eating three meals a day. It’s not a lack of food, it’s a lack of keeping track of time. Can you blame me? This is how much of a disaster I am even without magic. No! I’m not doing anything else until I have gotten through a full week getting at least 8 hours of sleep per night, and three meals a day. And more importantly, we need a home! Lucky and Lockdown want me to have higher standards than that, but I don’t care! We’re keeping it simple. The most important part of healing is healing yourself first. “Maneuvering with an army is advantageous; with an undisciplined multitude, most dangerous.” – Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

Origins: Ancestral Land (reverse, Advanced Civilization Land). “The tree that doesn’t bend, breaks” ― Sun Tzu (a Chinese general who wrote The Art of War; sorry, everybody, I do not own that book). “Only when you live desperately can you shine the light of life ” & “The so-called intelligent people are all good at reverse thinking.” ― Oda Nobunaga (a Japanese Diamyo who forwent honor and social conventions to actually succeed at warfare). “Pressure makes gems, ease makes decay” (Mando’a proverb). History’s coming back to haunt all of you! If there’s an oath to keep versus a child’s well-being―or anybody’s well-being―shouldn’t the latter take precedent, Celegorm??? I can’t believe Aredhel wandered off in search of him! Forget about the Doom of Mandos, there’s a better curse to lay on Fëanor and his oath-keeping, kin-slaying, child-abusing brats! In the Pokemon world with people in it, my backpack can carry up to 99 of the same item, weightlessly. And still carry even more junk. And also not have to worry about food or sleep. Physically, I’ll be just fine, but mental taxation takes its tole on the body, too. The mind is the king, the body is the kingdom; and thus, if the mind goes haywire, so too does the body. Just because I know how the politics around here go, in theory, doesn’t mean I understand how to actually execute on them. I’m honest and blunt to a fault. I have honestly and bluntly decided that neither Thranduil nor Legolas deserve Captain Tauriel! Thranduil needs to relearn how to lead Silvan Elves from Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn! They have better things to do with their Silvan subjects than start cat fights with them over what love is and their right to wed their child. Even if they do think their Silvan subjects are “lowly”, they’re noble enough to keep such bitter thoughts to themselves. There’s a better reason to forbid Captain Tauriel and Legolas’s mairrage. Legolas is such a ragingly hormonal youth that he’s jealous of a Dwarf whose life she’s going to save from a poisoned Orcish arrow. No wonder she wants to ditch him! He’s relying on her loyalty to the Woodland Realm to keep her by her side. He’s failing to notice how his father is treating her. As someone who saved his life, that Dwarf will be indebted to her. He’ll fight for her place amongst his people, Legolas isn’t. Sometimes, hell is the home you grow up in. Thranduil’s crying for his daddy, mommy, and wifey so badly that he’s lashing out against his own people. What kind of leader is that? Forget about the river, the most corrupt thing in that forest is him! Thranduil needs to remember that the reason the Silvan Elves accepted his daddy’s leadership is because they all wanted to be rustic together. Thranduil’s a king of yokels, not Valinor! “Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys; look upon them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death.” – Sun Tzu, The Art of War. “We are one when together, we are one when parted, we will share all, we will raise warriors.” —Mandalorian marriage vows.

Background: Vassal (reverse, Lord). It’s okay to just be a vassal. Calm down! You’ve got the politics here down pat! You’ve even got it down to the gods! If anyone would appreciate that, it’d be Lord Elrond: the Elf who deals with Dwarves most regularly. You’re a rowdyruff boy in terms of language, not in terms of character. You didn’t even want to go with the actual cosmic horror card for the Dark Myths set: 1) because it’s ugly, and 2) you consider yourself a cosmic horror already just by being yourself. Look at you, so cosmically horrific! You didn’t steal Khuzdul, you studied it honestly. There aren’t exactly a lot of secrets where you’re from. Besides, you’re giving them a new language to be secret over: Khuzdul Braille, a language that will help blind people read! You don’t like looking down on people, you prefer looking up to people. And you can’t look up to the Middle-Earth Dwarves, they’re too short! Both in temper and in height! That alone is enough to insult them! You need to remember that Alexander Hamilton, one of the Founding Fathers of America, was so obsessed with fighting that he needed the man who became his mentor, George Washington, to remind him that what he did best was write. ~ “You need someone older and wiser / Telling you what to do. / I am seventeen going on eighteen, / I’ll take care of you.” Sixteen Going On Seventeen, by Oscar Hammerstein II and Richard Rodgers. It’s considered an ironic song because the allegedly older and wiser one is less mature than the girl he’s singing to, but the lyrics on their own are pretty nice. “The only reason you should ever look down on someone, is to help them up.” ― A.J. Garces.

Important Bond: Doctor (bonded to a Lover). If that’s not bad enough, the Skyrim “Dwarves” were Elves too. The reason they’re called “Dwarves” is because they were fighting giants. But the good news is, the Skyrim “Dwarves” are extinct!

Important Bond: Celestial Being (bonded to a Monster). Alright, Chu, there’s seven king-dads of the Dwarves. Durin’s the one I know off the top of my head. He’s called Durin the Deathless because his soul leaves his body and comes back to it later once he’s ready to adventure again. “Wow! That’s super cool! That’s kinda what you did in my world too!” That’s right! Durin’s the one we need to impress. And then he can tell the other ones to “Shut up and act impressed!!!” Dwarves are very hard workers. Everybody calls them greedy and stubborn. They’re not stubborn or greedy, they’re Meowths. They like money! And someone needs to handle the financials. That’s what they do best. I want to impress him by learning how to say “Bundushathûr”, and “Felakgundu”, and “kibil”, and “zigil”! “What do those words mean?” They mean “cloudyhead”, “cave-hewer”, “silver”, and “silver”, respectively. “Kibil” refers to the metal, and “zigil” refers to the color. Cave-hewing is another thing that the Dwarves do better than Elves! (Or maybe, you can impress them by telling them that you consider them Mahal’s best creation. Mahal gave the Elves something to complain about! How would the Elves be high and mighty if there’s no one to act higher and mightier than? Eru was taking forever just to get them ready, never mind the humans! And show them a copy of how you translated what went down between him and Eru, to Chu: a sweet, innocent little mouse from a world without any people at all, who cries at ghost-type Pokemon, and thus absolutely should not be told what actually happened between them! We need to lie to Chu as much as possible! We need the wildest storyteller Arda’s ever seen: Beowulf―and you! There’s a lot to translate around here!)

Mark of the Past: Give Help (reverse, Get Help). The reason he doesn’t understand love is because he interprets acts of service and kindness as something that a truly good person is supposed to do, irregardless of if they’re a loved one or not. He’s used to giving help, he’s not used to receiving help. This is the world he needs the most help in. He needs to learn how to raise his voice instead of letting everyone else dominate the conversation, he needs to learn how to just let the adults handle the warfare (and the politics), and he needs to learn how to take it one day at a time. And most importantly, he needs to stop issuing death threats so casually! Forget about his magic! His language is what will get him killed around here! Even the Dwarves, the resident rowdyruff people around here, will not appreciate that language.

Impetus: Duty. We’re Calemir’ade! We bend, break, steal, and adapt anything it takes―including souls, oaths, gods, and people―we need to keep ourselves safe! And raise children properly! “Ori’vod” means “older sibling / special friend”, “vod’ika” means “little sibling”, “ad” and “ade” mean “child” and “children”, “verd’ika” means “little warrior”. “oya” means anything triumphant such as “let’s hunt”, “cheers”, “stay alive”, and “go you!”. “dar’jetii” means “sith”, literally “no longer jedi”. (Mando’a terms). Don’t call it a birthday party, call it a lifeday party. Any day this guy’s alive is a miracle! Besides, when exactly was he born? He can barely keep track of something that happened a week ago, never mind when holidays are coming up. He’ll hang out at parties, but let him float in and out of the room at will. He gets easily overwhelmed by people and chatter. He needs the darkest, quietest room possible. Just treat him like a cat! If you wouldn’t put a cat in charge of anything, don’t put him in charge of anything either.


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